How to Survive South Park

Exorcisms For Dummies

The first thing I do after restraining Cupid Cartman is send a mass text to the Goths, Woodland Critters, and Damien.

Satanic Bros, Hoes, and Critters:

Dovah: Do any of you know how to do an exorcism?

Pete: We do summoning ritual shit poser not exorcisms

Beary: Have you tried giving the person an abortion?

Dovah: How the fuck would that help?

Chickadee-y: You could always just rip the body open and force the spirit out that way

Dovah: Let me rephrase my question: Do any of you know how to do an exorcism that leaves the victim alive and in one piece? I don't care what happens to the spirit.

Deery: Awww

Mousey: Awww

Skunky: Awwww

Firkle: You could do what the Chickadee said and cut the body open while leaving it in one piece

Chickadee-y: I like this kid. How do you feel about blood orgies?

Firkle: I enjoy the murder parts

Damien: You're all idiots

Dovah: Have anything else to add?

Damien: You're all BIG idiots

Dovah: I meant a solution you ass

Damien: I don't fucking know. Ask a priest or some shit

Dovah: I'm trying to get help not trying to get raped

Beary: How about you pee in their eye socket and then give them an abortion?

['Dovah' has left the group chat]

Well, that didn't help at all.

"I got one, Dii!" That's not helpful either.

"Did you want to make some smoothies with me? They're good but I can give you something sweeter right now." Shit, uhhh, I look around to see if there's any way to get out of this but all I see is a tied up overweight fairy laughing at me, a drugged up sentient towel that's supposed to be in the middle of rehab, and the old farmer cleaning the same glass he always fucking cleans.

If any monsters or Bootay or aliens or Mimsy wanted to come out and ruin the moment, now would be the time. Hell, I'd even take Cartman popping up again with his 2D 'CartmanBrah' screen just to annoy the girl.

Kenny's POV:

I wear my baking badge with pride as I strut over towards the entrance of the camp. The s'mores I made were delicious according to Jimmy but most of the ingredients here were crap and I'm pretty sure the gas station next to the entrance was selling some cookie dough or something and- oh wow, that is Dovah and Wendy making out and is the latter holding a blender?

She's got him pushed against a tree and she is really going at it. Good for you, man. Stan's gonna be pissed as hell though. I pass them by and give Dovah a thumbs up as he muffles something along the line of "help!" while getting slobbered on.

Now I can choose to interpret that one of two ways. Either A: He's between a rock in the form of a cute psycho girl and a hard place in the form of a tree and wants out or B: He wants me to join in and really get the party started.

Making the wrong choice here would be detrimental to my bro so naturally, I head over to the gas station, buy some potato chips, and eat them while savoring the taste as I watch and think about my choices. Being in poverty for so long makes you learn to appreciate the little things in life like this 2 dollar bag of potato chips from a gas station.