How to Survive South Park

How to Join Dovah's Stalker Club

?????'s POV:

"Teeheehee. Don't worry, he'll come save you soon. And then you can save him from his broken heart."

"Now I really wouldn't recommend going down that road."

"It'll be fine. I helped him find love with Leslie, right? This time, he doesn't have to worry about any eventual betrayal from either side!"

"Will he really save me? What if he's scared of me? Everyone seems to be, even though I'm only a little damp."

"Don't worry, he's literally stabbed a devil in the face before. A spirit isn't going to scare him."

"That sounds really badass."

"Right? Oh, here they come. Remember, I was never here. Teeheehee"

Dovah's POV:

I decided to free the Samara knockoff bus stop girl next and broke into Nathan's cabin with Wendy to get the haunted tape she wanted. Side note, the start of the dock where the battle with Nathan happens towards the end of the DLC is fucking wrecked after Spontanious Bootay crashed through it while chasing Jimmy. Butters and Bootay are over there now going fishing while Jimmy is probably getting a new pair of pants.

Anyway, how I basically took over South Park has been on my mind a lot lately and I decided to ask Wendy about what she thought of it. I already know Cartman's opinion but I want to hear hers too.

"Well, my opinions on that have changed several times throughout the years but as for right now, I don't really mind it. I believe what you've done has made this town a lot better overall. If you think you're someone like Cartman when it comes to this, just remember what he wanted to do when he gained control of the town."

The bad, chaotic, 24/7 Christmas future shown towards the end of Fractured but Whole pops up into my head and I find myself agreeing with her.

"I know you're selfish sometimes but who isn't? You're a good person Dovah, just trust your gut and do what you think is right, okay? You've done awesome so far so just keep doing what you're doing and I'm sure we'll be fine." She smiles at me and I give her a smile back but on the inside, I know I can't do what she's suggesting.

I only have knowledge of the events from seasons that take place over the next few years and I doubt most of them will be anything like canon now. My greatest advantage is gonna become practically useless soon and I'm honestly pretty scared about that.

I guess she saw the nervous look behind that smile since she hugs me from behind.

"It's okay. You'll always have me and the others to rely on."

"...Right. Thanks, Wendy."

It's getting darker out so I summon some flames around us to light the area up before heading over to the spirit who seems kind of jumpy. Does she know I have the tape or is it the fire around me?

I pull it out and hand it to the spirit with a smile on my face. Unlike the last one, it's a kid around my (physical) age (though she's been a spirit for Freeman knows how long at this point) so I better be a bit more gentle. I don't want to get haunted by any more annoying dumbasses. Looking at you, Cupid Cartman, Towelie, Old Farmer, Timmy, Freeman, and most of my Social Media followers.

I know none of those guys are actually ghosts but they might as well be with how often they pop up out of nowhere just to stalk and/or annoy me.

"Hey there, I know you're probably scared and confused right now, but it's gonna be okay. I have the tape you've been looking for. Here. You can make peace and move on now."