How to Survive South Park

Alternate Stick of Truth Part 3 - Disappointing Deep Ones

After deactivating and reabsorbing the Time Bomb, I go back to finishing up my summoning montage and perfecting every spell I can. I also threw a few other Satanic books I found into my Satanic Bag of Holding to read later.

Having the informational advantage has been a near constant for me since I first arrived here and it's worked wonders for me since I began, so why should I pass up the chance to learn more?

It's as Sun Tzu once said, 'Know thy self, know thy enemy. A thousand battles, a thousand victories.'

Once I'm done with the demons, I make my way into a dark cathedral/morgue-looking thing where Vampir (aka Mike) is.

This is where the second part of this quest begins (after a quick boss fight with Mike). Basically, the vamp kids are trying to stop the 'Deep Ones' from coming out.

For those of you who don't know Lovecraft lore, the 'Deep Ones' are basically fucked-up looking sea creatures that worship Cthulhu. In the reality of South Park, they're the monsters shown in season 14's Superhero trilogy that come out of the portal to R'lyeh in the Gulf of Mexico.

The vamp kids are trying to summon H.P. Lovecraft to stop them and ask me to request a temporary alliance between the goths and vamp kids. I head back to the goths after that and they decide to summon Lovecraft themselves since they don't want him seeing "gay-ass little vamp kids" when he is summoned back to Earth.

Now according to Damien, stuff like this is a huge no-no 99% of the time, but I couldn't care less about Hell's rules at the moment so I carry on with the quest line.

We then head over to Henrietta's house and do the summoning ritual, but none other than Michael Jackson butts in again. That guy just refuses to fucking stay dead so matter what timeline it is.

Michael Jackson possesses Michael the goth and me along with the other goths have to beat the spirit out of him. The dead celebrity isn't as powerful as he is in the Casa Bonita DLC here, but he's still a pain to deal with.

Goth Michael is not happy when we free him and also had his arm and leg broken during the fight. A Baleful Blessing from Henrietta fixes him up though. Well, somewhat fixes him up. We all avoided the lifesteal part of that spell.

Turns out she had her Satanic arsenal featured in the Casa Bonita DLC during or even before Stick of Truth. The other goths also know those abilities at this point in time. The more you know.

H.P. Lovecraft is then summoned and tells us to go over to where the Deep Ones are and he'll help when he is needed. Lazy ass ghost.

We go over to Mike's house and fight "Psi Vampires" whatever the fuck those are before Mike gets them to agree to a temporary alliance. We all surround the hole in Mike's backyard which rumbles and out from it comes... crab people. Of course it's crab people.

"Crab people! Crab people! Taste like crab, talk like people."

...Not sure if I'm disappointed or not that another portal to R'lyeh wasn't in Mike's backyard. It's not like I could've used it for much, but fighting titan-sized interdimensional monsters would be way more epic then beating up a few crap people, am I right?

The vamp kids bail and Lovecraft is pissed as fuck at the goths for summoning him for that crap. He calls them poser wannabees and leaves with the goths feeling dejected and empty... which they are ironically fine with because that's what goths are supposed to feel like.

At least the goths are still willing to join the New- *BOOOOOOOOOM*

'Uhhh, were there supposed to be this many?'