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This feels like postpartum.
If i'm being completely honest, I don't think I ever got past it. It was there, I felt it, then it was like I didn't care anymore. So I stopped actually trying to get over it and pushed it behind me. I'm not trying to sound delusional but that's what I think. And losing this baby is like it brought it alll the way back up. I'm fucking struggling on this trip and no one knows.
I'm trying to let them enjoy themselves. We can talk about it when we get home, but now, I don't wanna feel like i'm ruining the trip. It's always something with me, so I need break as well as them.
To add on, Ms.Hicks called me about a case. I took it, so i've been thinking about that as well. People do dumb shit man.
"Mommy."
"Vontaè."
"Mommy."
"Vontaè." I was laying in bed as he called my name. When he made in to me, I reached over and helped him up. He laid on top of me, grabbing the cover and getting comfortable. Ok then. "What's wrong big boy?"
"I miss you Mommy."
"I've been here the whole time lil man." I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed his forehead. They got in the water the other day on the boat. My babies had so much fun, but I couldn't bring myself to really do what I wanted. Felt like I was sea sick. Being ignored just made it so much worse because I wanted to cuddle.
"Yea but you not play with us."
"I know....and i'm sorry. Mommy's trying I just- I haven't been feeling well."
"What wrong?" He started rubbing my face and I sighed shakily. For some reason I wanna tell him. Just because he doesn't understand but it'll feel good to just talk. It's weird that I wanna talk to him and not the person i'm supposed to talk to.
"Well....after I had your sister, Mommy got really sad."
"Sé make you sad?"
"No...I was just sad after, because I didn't know if I could make Sé happy. You know when you're sad, it goes away right?"
"Yea. Dada make me sad sometimes." He sat up, sitting on my waist. I chuckled and blinked quickly, trying to dry out my tears.
"Yea but your sadness went away, Mommy's didn't...."
"That's not a good sad Mommy. It goes away."
"I know, this sad is called postpartum, big boy. It's for the girls who have babies. But not all of them get it, I just got it. It'll go away at some point but, I never tried to make it go away."
"Why not? You wan be sad forever and ever and ever?"
"No I don't....I wanted to be happy for everyone. So they wouldn't get upset with me being sad. You know how Mommy gets kind of upset when Sé screams?"
