𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐝𝗼𝐧𝐭 𝐰𝐞 𝐢𝗺𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬

breakdowns - daniel seavey

breakdowns - MODSUN

"don't let a breakdown break you"

daniel seavey

every day i thank God for making me stay up late to finish that assignment.
i would have missed his call if i went to sleep two hours earlier.
i am afraid to imagine what would have happened if i missed that call.

it was 1:07 on a monday night. the tea i had made for myself was now cold and my vision was blurry from staring at the computer screen. my mouth was dry and all i wanted was to give in to the raging temptation of crawling into my bed.
but for some reason i couldn't bring myself to crawl under those covers.
now i know why.
my phone began ringing and i almost ignored it, thinking he was drunk at a party and butt dialing me while he was making out with his girlfriend.
but something about seeing his name on my screen was alarming and i grabbed the device at the last second and tapped the green circle.
"hello?"
"....."
there was nothing, just loud breathing.
"god dammit, daniel, stop accidentally calling me when you're fucking," i scoffed.
no more breathing.
just one heartbreaking sob.
"daniel?"
nothing but another sob. a sob that i'll be able to hear for the rest of my life.
"d, what's the matter?"
i was sitting up straight, feeling a little more uneasy.
"i can't breathe...i'm in the turkey hill parking lot and i can't breathe and i need you to come...please," he cried.
"stay on the phone, i'll be there."
i wish i could tell you the details, but all i remember was panicking as i slammed my dorm door shut and ran to my car. i don't know how i didn't crash my car as he sobbed and gasped for air as i sped through the streets.
i didn't even park in a parking space, only swung my car into the gas station and hopped out, leaving my door hanging wide open.
he was struggling to get his door open as i ran to him, then ripped his door open and rubbed his back as he vomited on the concrete below.
"i cant, i can't take it...i can't," was all i let him say before tucking his head into my neck and blocking the rest of the world from him.
"don't talk. don't talk, baby, don't talk. just breathe. all you need to do right now is breathe. that's all," i said, tears welling in my eyes as i listened to the way he gasped for breath while he tried to fight the panic attack.
i fought my own tears so that i could be strong for him.
i ended up going inside the turkey hill to buy him a ginger ale and some mint gum to calm his stomach. i only left him for a minute but he was more of a mess when i returned.
anyone driving by probably thought we were crazy. we were sitting on the ground in the middle of the parking lot.
"what's got you all worked up?" i asked, rubbing his back as he sipped the soda.
"we broke up. she cheated and we broke up. and the label is pushing us harder than ever before. and the marketing team keeps making all these stupid moves and the fans are mad at us for it. and i can't even write a fucking song. that's the one thing i'm supposed to always be able to do. there wasn't a melody or a single verse in my head. i'm just so overwhelmed and i can't take it," he bawled, immediately falling into my arms again.
"i got you, d, let it out," i whispered, holding his body close to mine.
we sat for a while before he shivered and i decided it was time to get him home.
i stood up and pulled him up with me. his brother came to get his car and i drove back to his place in my car.
he was falling asleep in my passenger seat and i smiled, just wanting him to be asleep and not in pain.
i pulled into his driveway and gently woke him.
we made it inside and he collapsed on his bed, then moved over so there was room for me.
"d?"
"hm?"
"look at me."
he looked up, cracking his eyes open.
"i know it's hard. i get that. but no matter what happens, songwriting is something you will never lose. you are way more talented than you think, d. get some rest and tomorrow i'll help you make a song. it's gonna be okay," i whispered.

☁️

i sat on a bench outside of the studio, waiting on daniel. he was inside pitching a new song to his manager and the label.
he wrote it the morning after that awful night. he  heard a melody and turned it into a super cool beat and then wrote the entire song in 15 minutes.
i waited and waited, biting at my nails and pacing around the parking lot.
i needed the label to like this song for his sake.
he was stressed and overworked. he was bombarded with work. he was afraid he wasn't doing the right thing for his fans. he was scared that his music wasn't good enough. he was terrified that his band mates would turn their backs on him. he was upset at himself for not making that perfect song. he was heartbroken from the horrible break up with his ex.
that was the cherry on top. when he found out about his ex, he lost it. his heart was broken and it pushed him over the edge.
so for his sake, i needed this song to do really well.
all of a sudden, i heard the studio door open and i snapped my head around to see daniel running towards me.
there was no emotion, but he ran to me and grabbed my face, kissing me hard.
it was unexpected and out of nowhere, but that didn't stop me from kissing him back.
in that moment, with his lips against mine, i knew he was back. i knew the song did well. i knew he was figuring it all out.
he pulled back and said "the marketing team is trashing that idea so the fans won't be mad. the label decided to give us a break to work on more music because they fucking loved the song. the boys love the song too and we are gonna make a whole album. oh...and i'm in love with you too."
"that's all great! im super happy they love the song and im super happy that you feel that way because i love you too," i said against his lips.
he kissed me again and spun me around, holding me tightly.
"see, sometimes it takes a breakdown to get a breakthrough. you can never let a breakdown break you," i said, referring to that night.
"i hated that night, but it made me better. now, i think we deserve some lunch after all we've been through," he said, pulling me to his car.
he was back.
carefree, stress-free dani was back.