In My Dreams - Bill Kaulitz Story

68. Heartache

The image of Bill and the other girl remained burned into my retinas as I closed my laptop. I couldn't believe what I saw. My heart pounded in my throat, and I felt a mixture of sadness, anger, and disgust.
With my hands trembling with emotion, I set my laptop aside. It was difficult to comprehend my feelings. How could Bill, the person I thought I knew, do this? It was like a knife cutting deep into my heart. All those moments we shared, the love declarations I rehearsed, now seemed utterly pointless.
I wanted to understand what had happened. How could he express his love for me one moment and then kiss another girl in the following hours? Were his feelings not genuine? I couldn't grasp it. My head was spinning, and I felt nauseous.
Grief overwhelmed me. I felt tears burning in my eyes and a knot in my stomach. It was as if my world was collapsing. How could I ever believe in Bill's words again? Everything I cherished and hoped for now seemed like an illusion.
I stared at the ceiling in a dark room as time crawled slowly by. My thoughts were a mess. What should I do? Should I still go to Bill and tell him the truth? He seemed to have moved on already, as if I had never been a part of his life. My feelings of love were now overshadowed by a profound sense of betrayal.
This night made me realize even more why I had always been so cautious with my feelings. I had learned that I couldn't trust anyone with my heart, that love brought vulnerability, and showing my true feelings was risky. This event with Bill confirmed all my fears and doubts. It was as if the universe wanted to show me that my caution was justified.
The walls I had built to protect my heart now felt like a necessity. I had always portrayed myself as a strong, independent woman, not dependent on others. I had learned to hide my emotions, even from the people I loved. And now it seemed that my caution had saved me from even greater sorrow.
It felt like my inner voice wanted to show me that I could never fully trust anyone, that people were always capable of betraying you. My feelings of insecurity and doubt were intensified. I felt lonely, abandoned, and deceived.
The thought of betrayal made me sick. How could I be so naive to think that Bill was different, that he genuinely loved me? It was clear that I had fooled myself.
As I lay there in the dark, surrounded by my own thoughts, I understood that I could never fully open up to someone. My heart was too precious to risk, too vulnerable to expose. It seemed like I always had to be on guard, always vigilant to prevent being hurt again.
The night seemed endless. I couldn't stop ruminating, wondering where it all went wrong. I felt torn between my love for Bill and the reality of what I had seen.
Eventually, I fell into a restless sleep, but my dreams were haunted by images of Bill and the other girl. I woke up with a pounding headache and a broken heart.

The decision to stay away from Bill was a deliberate choice. I wanted to focus entirely on returning to my own world, where Bill would never play a role again. The memories of this world, however intense and emotional, would ultimately prove to be just a dream.
My sorrow and confusion had turned into determination. I wanted to rebuild my life and go back to where I came from. The reality of my own world called me, and I realized that I had to find my place there. It was time to pick up my old life again, no matter how difficult it might be.
Although I didn't feel great, I still got up to go to breakfast. My appetite was minimal, but I knew I had to eat something to get through the day. As I walked to the restaurant, my thoughts focused on the mission to return to where I belonged. The thought of my own world, where I didn't have to take risks with my heart, gave me strength.
As I walked down the hotel corridor, the memories of the past few days continued to haunt me. The joy and sorrow I had experienced felt like an emotional rollercoaster. My thoughts drifted to Bill, and I wondered how he felt after what had happened.

When I entered the breakfast room, to my dismay, I saw the four members of Tokio Hotel at the buffet. I immediately turned around and rushed outside. The last person I wanted to see was Bill, with all the emotions and confusion that had arisen between us. Outside, I saw the familiar tour buses already lined up. After all, there was a concert scheduled for that evening.
As I walked outside, I heard my name being called. It was Bas, leaning against the hotel wall and smoking a cigarette. He looked like he had been awake for a while. "Hey Elise! You're up early today," he greeted me with a smile.
I turned to him and let out a deep sigh. Bas immediately noticed that something was wrong, and he dropped his cigarette before coming over to me. "What happened, Elise?" he asked, concerned.