𝐋𝐄𝐓 𝐌𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 ★ 𝐓𝐨𝐦 𝐊𝐚𝐮𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐳

57

I groaned, stretched my arms and turned the alarm off. It was the last thing I wanted to do this morning. Wake up.

It's Wednesday today and that means another practice. We already had two the previous days but I don't want to go. I can't even focus on what song are we playing.

I got out of my bed and walked to my bathroom. I looked at myself and felt disgusted by what u saw.

My hair was messy and everywhere, my eyes were red and puffy from all the crying. My wrists and ankles felt sore as new cut were covering them.

To explain to you what is happening, honestly I don't know.

Dad didn't show home for the past 3 days. He hasn't left any note telling me what is he doing. He doesn't even pick up his phone and it has me worried.

Ever since the Kyle incident at the party I'm feeling kinda weird. I feel like i wasn't able to protect myself. That i was weak.

I frown when I remember myself laying naked in a pile of blood under me. My whole body aching and tears rolling down my face looking at Kyle who is shutting the door behind him.

And it's not just this. I don't know why but i feel useless. There isn't really any reason but i just do. I don't feel good enough for myself.

My thoughts has been eating me again and it got really bad that i had the urge to hurt myself again. It's impossible to stop. I should've never started.

I feel like self harming is my addiction. I enjoy it. I like it. I need it.

I feel like i fell into a deep hole and there is no way i can get back. Once the depression is here it'll never go away. I can try as hard as I want but it never works.

I always feel better for a while but then out of nothing everything gets worse again. And even tho I tried, I failed. Like nothing is worth it. Like that it seems I'm about to reach the top of the hole but then i slip and fall back down.

And i don't want to live like this. I don't even see the reason i wake up for. Of course i have friends and Tom and i do love them but i feel like not even love can get me out of the deep hole.

I have beed distancing myself a bit the past two days. I would usually go out with the rest after the practice but instead i went straight home and just drown in my own thoughts.

They noticed but i just shrugged it off with a simple "I'm just tired." And i mean I'm not lying. I couldn't sleep properly. Every night i have a nightmare about loosing someone i love. I don't want to sleep anymore. I don't want to witness them.

But if i do fall asleep I don't want to wake up. It's complicated i know.

Tom tried to talk to me yesterday but I couldn't. He just sighed and said that he will give me space, reassuring that i know he is there for me.

But it's so hard to speak about problems, you know?

I took a shower and washed my hair as well. I washed my face with cold water to get rid of the puffiness but it was useless.

I took an apple since i was starving and ate it. I haven't had a proper food in more than a day.

I took out my phone and checked the messages i left to my father. No response. I just sighed and put it away.

I got back upstairs and dried my hair. I put them in two low messy buns since i was lazy. I brushed my teeth and I considered putting on some makeup but it wouldn't help.

My lips were really dry so i just put on some chapstick. I slipped on Tom's hoodie i had and some baggy jeans. I had to use wristbands.

Just as in was about to put on my shoes Bill texted me that they're here. I took a breath and exited the house.

I hopped into the back of the car.
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Tom's pov:

"Hi." she smiled. It wasn't real. "Hey." we said back at the same time. No jinx from her. It was weird.

I put my hand on her thigh. She looked at me and gave me a slight smile before resting her head against the window.

My heart ached at the sight of her.

Her eyes were red and puffy, and it seemed like she cried all night. The bags under her eyes were bigger that yesterday.

I was getting more and more worried. Even tho Bill told me to give her space as soon as I realized something was wrong, it seemed to get even worse.

We arrived at the studio and David took us straight to the practice room. We greeted with Georg ad Gustav who were already there.

We took our guitars that we left there yesterday and got to our positions.

We started with some songs in german. On Sunday David apologized to us that he did a mistake and that we are playing songs in german no english since we are playing in Berlin.

I heard Lin do a few mistakes. As we finished playing the song David immediately spoke to her.

"Lin, darling, you are playing so bad. Just focus." he said to her in a mean voice. "Sorry I haven't sleep well last night." she mumbled sounding more drained than ever.

"Well that's sweet but I don't care. Try more. You can do better. What happened to you?" he shook his head and walked away.

I felt my body tense up a little out of anger. This bitch. I felt so sorry for her.

We finished our set and she did a lot better. David told us to go wait to the little living room and he will come to tell us something.

I stopped Bill at our way there. "Bill i know you told me to give her space but it's impossible. My heart shatters anytime i see her in this state. I need to talk to her."

"It's alright Tom. Do it. I feel like it's getting worse." he sighed and hugged me. "I know."

We came to the living room and Lin was passed out sleeping on the couch. She must be really tired.

David came and told us that we'll have an interview on Friday before our concert. After that we left. I carried Lin to the car making sure she won't wake up.

"Drop us off at her house please." i looked at Bill. He nodded. I could tell he was upset.

He stopped the car in front of her house and held the door open for me. I thanked him but before he closed it he whispered.

"Please try to help her. I can't see her like this anymore. It was stupid to give her space it just got worse. I'm sorry Tom." a tear rolled down his face.

"Bill it's not your fault. I'll try. Go out with Envy to distract yourself." i smiled and he nodded before closing the door.

I carried her upstairs to her room. I laid her down on her bed and took off her shoes. I laid next to her and covered us with blanket.

She really looked like she needed that rest. But I wasn't able to rest. I don't understand anything. What is happening?

She looked happy just few days ago.
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Author's note:
Nothing feels worth it anymore🫤

1292 words