What Life Holds

Chapter 33

Notes:

Additional Cast:

Nicole Muñoz as Sonia

Sophie's POV

Monday after the hickie

I don't even remember how I got home after class ended.

I remember murmuring a faint 'bye' to a puzzled Ro, and driving as fast as possible to our apartment. Now I am sitting on the floor behind my closed bedroom door, freaking out.

I may not be the most experienced person, when it comes to all things emotional, but one thing is utterly true and terrifying. The feeling I experienced a few hours ago, is something I have never felt in this majorly boring existence, which is a huge deal, because it scares me to death the variety of things it could possibly mean and its consequences.

Since it is something new to me, I know, I am sure, that what I felt for Robin cannot be purely friendly. It simply can't. In comparison to Joss and maybe now, Vanessa, I can't think of myself getting jealous to that point at the thought of them with other people. Like I said, I am accustomed to sharing Joss and having girls craving his attention and I have never felt mad or jealous...plus Vanessa who is now a friend will end up with someone and the specific thought doesn't sadden me at all. So why does it hurt to think of Robin like that?

This thing with Robin is not jealousy over losing my friend...no.

I know my initial reaction to the hickey was to proclaim that it could be attraction, but now I think I should think this through. Do I like her? Like sexually, dare I say? Is this physical attraction?

I have to admit Robin IS a very beautiful girl...angelic, almost. Even the straightest of girls can see that, and I am not an exception. Objectively, Ro is a very attractive person, quirky, sassy and dorkish.

Does this count as physical attraction? I mean, I haven't caught myself looking at her body, I never do that with anyone...I am most certain I haven't seen her like that. I know Joss's look when looking at girls and I don't have it. I would have known, right?

I can't help but think the emotional part though. I cannot overlook the fact that simply being around her, is calming and pretty easy. I don't feel that awkward and I am slowly coming out of the comfort zone, Joss has been dying to see me out of. Truth be told, I haven't felt that comfortable with anyone before and this means something. It cannot be unimportant.

So, if emotionally I feel a connection, but physically haven't noticed anything.....what is it? But...what if I do pay close attention to her? What if my mind has shut off those thoughts? Is that possible?

Maybe it is an innocent infatuation? I mean, I kind of admire her, so maybe this is an innocent crush? If I can call it a crush.

Maybe I have idolized her; like people do with actors and singers or something....because....I cannot be gay. It is not possible, not because I have a problem with that. No! I just always thought I felt no attraction towards people...like I'm this cold hearted person that just can't like anyone romantically, or I am too much of a snob to be attracted to someone. I have been content with the idea of me ending up alone, so I cannot get into that. I cannot like Robin. She is just a friend. No different from Vanessa who I share a new bond with. I am just excited over her because she was willing to get to know me and knows how not to make me uncomfortable, and the idea of getting close to someone other than Joss is exciting. I feel at ease with her but other than that, she means nothing to me. She can't. She is noone to me.

At this, I make a decision to stop being around her. This ends here.

Friday

From Ro: Hey, wanna hang out? Haven't seen ya since Monday. School taught?