the hated child

chapter forty-four

Previously...

"Are you okay Mistake? Do you have a stomach-ache? Do you know what will help... 69 ALMONDS EVERY DAY WILL CURE CANCER (source: the symbol for Cancer zodiac sign is a sideways 69) AND 420 GLASSES OF LEMON WATER WITH CINNAMON WILL CURE DEATH (source: trust me bro)!!"

"No... no!... stop!!! The logic... the non-existent logic... the conspiracy theories... MAKE IT ALL STOP!!" Mistake's classic turquoise lightning bolt struck the school and a turquoise aura surrounded her.

Mistake started to cackle, then that cackle grew into a VILLAIN LAUGH.

"I'M BACK BABY!"

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"MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mistake villain-laughed. "NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO STOP ME!!!!!"

Ebony felt relieved, but also extremely worried. She thought to herself, "I can't tell if dictator Mistake or 'normal' Mistake is better, either way, they're both absolutely BONKERS!!"

Mistake, still 2-feet tall like Lord Farquaad, started feeling herself. She caressed her brain, soothing the ripples of anger. She caressed her retinas', soothing her blurry and clouded vision. She caressed her colon, soothing her extreme constipation. She caressed her cute little toesie woesies, soothing her intense foot fungus. She caressed her pearly whites, soothing her rotting cavities. She caressed her stomach, soothing her cravings for cheese. She caressed her biceps, soothing her muscle aches. She caressed her armpits, soothing her ingrown hairs. She caressed her nostrils, soothing her gigantic and monster sized boogers. She caressed her chin, soothing her inner old man. She caressed her tongue, soothing her inner furry. She caressed her lips, soothing her flaky chips. She caressed her lips, soothing herself.

Suddenly, Mistake's eyes started glowing. She finally realized that she was truly back. "Instead of being a dictator, I WILL BE A WORLD DOMINATOR!!!!"

"Ummm, Mistake... I think that transformation made you... dumber."

Mistake gasped and put a hand in her heart. "What??? Me, Mistake, DUMB??? The absolute AUDACITY!! I won 29248738427 spelling bees when I was still an unfertilized egg! You can't tell me that I'm NOT a genius."

"Mistake, I- You really did change..." Ebony massaged her temples, not knowing what to do with -200 IQ Mistake.

"Yeah! I did! I got EVEN SMARTER!!! LIKE SMARTIES!!!!" Mistake yelled, frantically waving her spaghetti limbs in the air. "And NOT those fake American 'Smarties.' They're KNOCKOFFS. Real smarties were created in 1937 and American ones 1949, which makes ours the CORRECT one!!!! I WANT BALLS!!! OH SO OOZY-WOOZY-YUMMY-BUNNY-CHOCOLATE-BALLS!!!"

Ebony cringed. "Okay? But also, smarties aren't balls. They're deflated balls."

"My balls are deflated too!" Mistake TOOK HER PANTS OFF!!!!

"AHHHHH!!! Why's it so small..."

"BeCAUSE," Mistake said, "I'm BETTER than conforming to SOCIETAL BEAUTY STANDARDS. LOOKS DOESN'T MATTER! SIZE DON'T MATTER!"

"Mistake............."

"Yes, Hard Heavy Blackish Wood of Various Tropical Chiefly Southeast Asian Trees Related to the Persimmon??? What's wrong with what I said?"

Ebony grimaced. "Um... your grammar... it's a bit off."

Mistake scoffed. "What a preposterous notion! I'll have you know that my grammar is completely perfect one hundred percent of the time! And if anything is wrong... then it becomes correct. After all, I am PERFECT!" She then hair-flipped the lice out of her scalp.

"Uh. Ok." Ebony didn't know where to look, the rainbow lice or the PERFECT and JUICY 64-million-year-old with PERFECT grammar.

Mistake conjured an iPad and started singing, "Sticking out your GYATT for the RIZZLER!!!! You're so SKIBIDI!!!! You're so FANUM TAX!!!! I just wanna be your SIGMA!! FREAKING come HERE!! Give me your OHIO!!!!!"

Ebony started to shake from fear. What was Mistake singing? And why did it scare her so much?

"COCOMELON!!!! HAHAHA!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO EAT SOME PASKETTI!!" Mistake flailed her arms around and started throwing her iPad in the air.

"Careful Mistake!! You're gonna break the iPad!!"

"RAHHHHH!!" Mistake charged towards Ebony, throwing a tantrum, "MY IPAD BROCKEN!! Like my soul </3"

"Ugh... What am I gonna do with this useless toddler..." Ebony picked up Mistake with her pinky toe and sighed. "Come on child, let's go...."