the hated child

chapter seventy-one

Previously...

"OOOH!!! NOW WHERE IS THIS DUMB ROD OF ABSORPTION!"

"OOOOH!!! I THINK I SEE IT!" Shed did a backflip inside of David and grabbed the stick.

"YAYY!! WE CAN FINALLY GET OUT!!"

"FROM WHERE?"

"THE PLACE WE CAME OUT OF, OF COURSE!" Mistake pointed at an exit.

"OH YESS!!!! WHAT WAS THAT HOLE CALLED AGAIN???"

"The esophagus, obviously!"

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Present Time

The 2 slipped out of David's throat and laughed.

Mistake wiped the sticky slime off her forehead and turned to Shed. "Now, what do we do with this 'Rod of Absorption'?"

Shed smiled. "You give me all your powers of course!"

Mistake threw her head back and laughed in Shed's face. "What...? Why would I do that?"

"Because you worship me...? I'm literally your saviour and god, you're supposed to do everything I tell you!"

"But why must I offer my powers to you? Can't we just be chill, like friends?"

Shed anxiously bit his lip. "But I'm superior! I'm better than you! Those with lower status have to suck up to the better ones!"

"Woooowww, way to be SEXIST and MISOGYNISTIC! Just 'cause you're a MAN doesn't mean you're BETTER than me!"

Shed froze. "I'm not- I'm not saying it's because of my gender. I'm saying that I'm just BETTER than you. If you were a man I'd still be better than you. Cause I'm SHED EEEEEEEEEERAN! WITH 10 E's INCLUDING THE BIG ONE!"

"Oh? And what do you think determines one's betterness levels?"

"MY SUPER BIG AND JUICY... capital E in my name!"

"Then my name is MistakE. My E is also super big and juicy! Does that make us equals now?"

"No. The E in Mistake isn't normally capital, and plus, it's just a REGULAR capital letter. The first letter in MY surname is TOO BIG AND JUICY TO FIT IN MY NAME! BUT IT EXISTS!"

"Mine is an EXTRA big E, but it's too big to fit in the frame so everyone just ignores it. 1 kiss = 1 time someone recognizes the E as an E."

Shed GROWLED and BARED HIS TEETH at Mistake. "HEY! I said that when I first met you! You PLAGIARISER!"

"So? You're not unique."

"YES I AM!" Shed stomped his foot on the ground like a toddler. "I'm QUIRKY AND UNIQUE!"

"You're just a little attention seeking little baby. I bet you bring bendy straws to bathrooms because you like to suck down pee."

"I'M NOT A BABY! I'M 2 YEARS OLD! AND I'M NOT THE STUPID GRINCH!"

"Well only a baby won't accept that they're not the best person in the world!"

"Erm, ack-shu-all-ee," Shed pulled out a PhD research thesis paper, "people with superiority complexes believe that their abilities or accomplishments are somehow dramatically better than other people's."

"So you admit that you have a superiority complex? And that you bring bendy straws to bathrooms because you like to suck down pee?"

"For the first one: No. For the second one: No comment. I will need to contact my lawyer to see if I can disclose any information on that topic."

"Hmmmm... So Shed, why do I need to give you all my power? You're clearly not better than me because you're not special, you have a major superiority complex, and you bring bendy straws to bathrooms because you like to suck down pee!"

"Well..."

"Stop trying to think of more excuses and cringey comebacks. Just admit it, you secretly enjoy being looked down on."

"No. I will think of more excuses and cringey comebacks."

"You're insufferable."

"Hey MistakE, I'm not a mirror!!!!!!!! I'm rubber you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!!!!!!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOO! UNO REVERSE!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! SAVAGE ROAST!!!!!"

"...okay."

"HA! SEE!!! I'M WAY COOLER AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO LIKES BEING DEGRADED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T EVEN FIGHT BACK TO MY AMAZING INSULTS!!! I'M LITERALLY SO SAVAGE AND YOU'RE TREMBLING AND PEEING YOUR PANTS AND YOU'RE A LIAR BECAUSE YOU HAVE ANTS IN YOUR PANTS!! AHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!!!!"

Mistake looked at her hand, which was decidedly not trembling. "Um... sure."

"I BET YOU'RE SHAKING IN YOUR BOOTS RIGHT NOW! YOUR TIMBERS HAVE BEEN SHIVERED! THE TURNS HAVE TABLED! YOU'VE BEEN BESTED BY ME YET AGAIN!"

"Ah... So you're mad that I haven't been speaking 'fancy' for your 1785 era roleplay?"

"N-NO!! OF COURSE NOT... but can we continue that as soon as possible?" Shed whispered.

"If we must. I must be honest, I do enjoy speaking with words of more eloquence, but alas, I did halt doing that because no one enjoyed it."

"Mistake! I did! I was the one who found your speaking patterns exquisite! It helped me soothe myself and relax! I was always about to let out a load (off my tense shoulders) whenever you spoke to me!" Shed said.

"Goodness gracious... I simply had no clue you felt this way! I never would have stopped articulating my thoughts in this sort of language if I had been aware of this! However, I do require that you fulfill two conditions. Firstly, you must inform everyone of the fact that you're a weak little baby who failed to take over the Gacha kingdom, and secondly, you must revive all of our dear acquaintances! If you successfully complete both of these, I shall continue using eloquent words for as long a time as you desire me to. If not... well, let's just say I'll stop. I might even use... gen alpha slang. Fanum tax. Rizz. Sigma."

Shed began sweating and panting. "O-of course Mistake! It's best that we don't do our sensual roleplay when our friends are awake! We also must prevent your use of such foul words! People will definitely assume that you're from Ohio and that you're an omega!"

"Dear me... that would be a tragedy! My reputation would be tarnished and I would be scorned and made a laughingstock! I simply cannot allow this to happen!"

"No! Master! That be! We must heal everyone immediately! I must make an attempt to bring everyone back to life so that you don't sink to the bottom of the food chain!"

Mistake nodded solemnly. "Precisely. Take initiative and resurrect them."

"Dobby will obey master!"