the hated child

chapter eighty-two

Mistake snickered while she snacked on Snickers. "Yes."

WhiteBoy gasped. "Mistake... are you eating Snickers?"

"Yes..."

"You're not you when you're hungry! GASP! I figured it out! You haven't eaten anything since... wow, I don't even know! Chapter one?? THAT'S why you're acting so weird!"

"Ummm... But how long ago was chapter one? This story would have a lot of plot holes and be nonsensical if it's been months and no one here has eaten! Surely this couldn't be true!!"

"Well, isn't it OBVIOUS??" Shed said, rolling his eyes. "Chapter one was EIGHTY-ONE CHAPTERS AGO! That's how you should measure time!!"

"But what's with this chapter system? Like, you never learn to measure time with chapters in school. Why are we suddenly developing something new all of a sudden..."

Shed jumped onto Mistake's shoulders. "WELL! I THINK IT'S BECAUSE IT'S THE MOST CONVENIENT METHOD OF MEASUREMENT WHEN THE AUTHORS OF STORIES DON'T WANT TO BE CONSISTENT WITH THE TIMELINE OR THE CHARACTER'S AGES!!! I COULD BE 40 NOW AND 934 IN THE NEXT FEW MINUTES!"

Whiteboy gasped. "AREN'T YOU ALREADY 934??? OR WAS THAT LAST WEEK? I CAN'T KEEP TRACK!!!"

"Either way, Shed is too OLD for me... I'm 15 and I can only go up to 20, sorry!"

"I'M NOT OLD!!!! DAVID IS OLD!!!!"

Mistake's hair burnt off. "HEY. DON'T YOU DARE SPEAK ABOUT DAVID LIKE THAT, ESPECIALLY AFTER YOU JUST KILLED HIM. DAVID IS PERFECT. AMAZING. ALLURING. FASCINATING. PECULIAR. MYSTERIOUS."

"He's also 70 years old..."

"AHEM!!! HE'S ACTUALLY 69 YEARS OLD AND 420 DAYS OLD!!!" Mistake said, pointing her index finger up as glasses appeared on her face like the nerd emoji.

"Now tell me... IT'S BEEN EIGHTY-ONE CHAPTERS. HOW CAN HE STILL BE 69 YEARS OLD AND 420 DAYS OLD??? I FEEL LIKE AFTER 81 WHOLE CHAPTERS, HE MUST HAVE AGED AT LEAST A DAY???"

A voice from the heavens said, "No."

"WHO WAS THAT???"

"It's me... Your dad."