the hated child

chapter eighty-seven

"DAMN IT SHED. YOU CAN'T EVEN KILL PEOPLE RIGHT," said WhiteBoy.

Mistake glared at Ronald.

"OMG! RONALD!!!! HOW'S YOUR MOTHER DOING??" Mr. Maid ran to embrace his stepdaughter.

"Dad, don't you mean the dead woman who KILLED you with a special knife, stole your riches, and talked bad about you for attention??" Mistake stated, crossing her arms.

"WHAT?? SHE DIED?? NOOOOO!! What a waste of hotness :("

"NO! SHE'S NOT DEAD! YOU'RE DEAD!"

"I'M DEAD???"

"YEA! YOU'RE A GHOST!"

"DIDN'T WE ESTABLISH THAT I'M ACTUALLY JUST AN ALIVE KING WHO GOT PRESERVED LIKE THE MUMMIES, BUT STILL ALIVE??"

"...What?" asked Mistake.

"I'm sorry guys... I'm just in denial, the river in Egypt..."

Mistake looked confused. "Denial isn't a river, it's a word meaning a refusal to accept or believe something, such as a doctrine or belief. You may be thinking of the Nile, the river in Egypt, but you're not there, so...?"

"MISTAKE. STOP BEING A SMARTASS. LET ME MAKE MY DAD JOKES, NOW THAT I'M A DAD AGAIN."

Ronald also looked confused. "That's not a dad joke... that's a meme from *retch* last year."

"Well... YOUR HUSBAND IS GAY!!!"

"Dad, I think you've gone crazy! No one here is married!"

"Ugh... you just don't GET IT. Do NONE of you use social media???"

"Dad, you're the person I least expect to be a social media addict. I thought GERRY would be more of a trendy tik toker, OR WHITEBOY!!"

"How DARE you assume that since your dad is a BABY BOOMER he can't use social media! Do you kids think that all we can do is type the 😎 and 👍 emojis???"

Mistake nodded. "Yes... because that's all you do to me..."

"Well, that's because I don't care about you!"

"WHAT??" Mistake's jaw dropped.

"😎👍"

Accident started going Ooh Ooh Ooh! "OOH OOH OOH! I CAN DO IT BETTER AND MORE TRENDY FOR YOU YOUNG FOLK. 😎👍✨️"

Simon shook his head. "That's not even stage worthy... No wait, AUDITION worthy..."

Accident scoffed. "OK? And can you do any better?"

"Of course I can! I'm more connected to the youth than any of you old geezers. 😎👍✨️🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟🦗🦟"

Gerry began to laugh, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 😂🤣!!" He laughed. "YOU THINK TWERKING AGGRESSIVELY IS ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU COOL?? CHECK THIS OUT!! Ahem: 🍆💦🍑😏🥵🔥😩🤰👶🤱😵👨‍🍼🏃‍♂️💨💸👼"

"What's this story telling..."

"It means: Hot sexual intercourse has the consequences of becoming pregnant and giving birth to an ugly little baby. Then, you'll have to breastfeed the baby but you'll die from cancer or something. Then, I'll have to feed the baby with a bottle of baby formula, but y'know, babies are too annoying. That's why I'll run away, leave the baby without any money, and it'll become a cute little angel!!"

"Wow... what a beautiful story... so deep and emotional..."

Mistake paused, "Wait... Why're you using first and second person pronouns? Is this a story about you and us?? Did I become pregnant with your child and lose all my memory of it because I died and became a ghost like my dad? If so, that'd be pretty weird. But, you're not referring to me specifically, you're saying you to a whole group. Therefore, you got EVERYONE here pregnant with your child, everyone died, and you left everyone's child for dead."

"Yea, it happened for real. But it was in another universe... My beautiful angel baby..."

On Purpose's jaw dropped. "ARE YOU A TIME TRAVELLER TOO..."

"Uh, no, I don't travel in time. I travel between universes. Totally different thing. You of all people should know that."

"NO ONE CARES ABOUT CORRECT TERMINOLOGY. But, how haven't we encountered each other this whole time? How are you not dead? I made sure that everyone in all universes died before I moved to the other one..."

"Well, On Purpose, you really aren't as strong as you think you are! I've always been there to clean up your mistakes, (and Mistakes,) like repairing universes you've destroyed!"

"What... You've been with me the whole time? You've been fixing my mistakes this whole time?"

Gerry patted her on the shoulder. "Yes."

Mistake looked confused. "Wait, what even is Gerry's power? I've never seen him use it, I just assumed he was human and worked at a magic school to watch others live a life he'll never have..."

Gerry sighed. "I'm... I'm something that you kids should never know about."

"OK... But what is Simon? Like, with an ability, he could turn an unlimited number of people famous, or create an unlimited number of illegal dog fighting rings..."

"I actually don't know what my species is..."

"WHY IS ONLY 1 STAFF MEMBER AT THIS SCHOOL POWERFUL ENOUGH TO BE OPEN ABOUT THEIR ABILITY."

"Wait!" A lightbulb appeared over Shed's head. "What if we do a transformation ceremony right here, right now?"

"Ooh! That sounds like so much fun! I even stole the stick from the school already!" Accident exclaimed. Ignoring On Purpose and Simon and Gerry's shocked faces, he walked up to Simon and gleefully whacked him with the transformation stick.

"Don't shit your pants!"