LOVING TWO

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Singing The Blues

On the following morning the sun shined brighter than ever. I heard the little birdies by my window chirping away in happiness. A ray of sunlight illuminated my face. The sky had a nice shade of light blue and the clouds looked like a bunch of puffy cotton candy filling up the sky. It was truly a beautiful day, None like I had seen before. Although inside me there was no sign of happiness or ray of sunshine. There was only a storm. My eyes felt dry from all the tears I cried throughout the night. The emptiness in my heart was unbearable. A sharp pain in the pit of my stomach made me feel sick. I felt a nudge on my throat and a desperate feeling to scream and cry all at once but nothing came out.

My whole life felt like it was crumbling right in front of me and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I was watching myself die slowly as the love of my life despited me. If time really heals then I would need a lifetime to get over him. The pain I was feeling inside me felt as if I was being slowly cut with a sharp dagger. Not feeling his ecstatic touch on my body anymore. Not feeling his fresh minty breath on my neck or having his strong arms holding me tightly against his body through the night. All of those thoughts ran though my mind like a river just flowing their way through my brain and down my heart. Completely suffocating me from inside. My mind was just preparing me to what was bound to happen next. Getting use to the fact he wasn't going to be around me as much anymore or the fact that I had lost him for good. I was going to miss that nervous intensifying electric feeling I felt every time I was with him.

Once again the feeling of emptiness in my life followed me. How could I fix something that was so damaged. James placed his trust in me and I let him down. He had let his guard down and welcomed me into his heart. I was foolish enough to take that for granted and repaid him with dishonesty. I deserved everything that was happening. I was ashamed of myself for putting the intense one of a kind love we shared at risk, that fateful night Jakes lips touched mine. If I had just chosen to be honest with James since the beginning maybe I wouldn't have hurt him this much. Who am I kidding though, I couldn't even be honest with myself. I wanted to kiss Jake as bad as he wanted to kiss me that night. Knowing it was going to be our last kiss we ever shared. I was ready to let everything I felt for Jake go along with him.

Truth is some of the feelings resurfaced back when he took that bullet for me and almost died. I couldn't bare the thought of losing Jake forever. In my heart I knew James was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with ups or downs I wanted him regardless. In my mind I knew Jake was the right guy to spend my life with he'd be the perfect loving husband someday. They were both different. I fell in love with both and that was my biggest mistake. Although what I felt for James was always a lot stronger. Since the day I met him no matter how much I tried to stay away, I always found myself getting drawn back to him. He had a special hypnotic hold on me that I couldn't shake off.

My mom came knocking on my door asking if I was okay before leaving to work. I didn't want her knowing what was going on. The last thing I wanted to hear was a 'I told you so'. I kept looking at my phone wishing and hoping to get a call or text from James but I got nothing. As I swiped on pictures I had taken of us my eyes began to get teary but not one tear fell out. That was until I heard laughter coming from outside James house. I dared myself to get up and check but I knew I would expect to see the worst. I was to much of a coward to stand up so I stayed laying down on my bed.

From a distance I heard the laughter of Becca as she screamed for James to put her down. Then I heard James say in between laughs how much he was going to wet her for misbehaving. I couldn't stand the curiosity so I bravely stood up and poked my head out the window. I saw James playfully wetting Becca with a water hose as she ran away from him. There was sponges next to his car and a bucket full of water and soap. It was clear that they were washing his car but in the process they fooled around with each other as if they were a happy couple. My stomach felt like it got hit by a car and my eyes started to feel like they were burning as hot salty tears ran down my face.