Book Reviews 2 [SLOW UPDATES]

Review #22: Before

Ally_is_Epic

First Impression: I like the colors on the cover

There is a lot that can be worked on in this story. First, I see that there are a lot of formatting errors, especially with your commas. I also think that it is unnecessary to skip a line after every sentence. Just put them together in one paragraph and then start a new one when you start talking about something else. The chapters themselves seem very short and choppy, like they don't flow well. This might have to do with the fact that it's not organized well enough, and you tend to tell us about things, instead of showing us. For example, show us how she felt when she found out she was pregnant. Use stronger vocabulary words to describe her emotions and what she looked physically. Also, you should have some characterization for your character so we can tell what kind of personality they have. You have a little bit now, but the characters don't really stay consistent and it would best to have well rounded characters. I also thought the swearing was a little out of the blue, because I totally wasn't expecting it. I mean, you can have a story without swear words. In Chapter 1, you wrote "Reason NO.2" twice, so you can fix that when going back to edit. There are also some grammar and spelling errors, such as run on sentences. Make sure to also watch your verb tense because you tend to switch from past to present and it makes the story choppy. I also feel that the story doesn't really progress at a nice pace, especially since at Chapter 8, you are still talking about her pregnancy. I would like to see the story move fast so the reader doesn't get bored. I do like the fact that you switch to Antony's POV so we can tell what kind of person he is and see things through his perspective. That being said, changing POVs too much can also be confusing and unnecessary. 

Remember that these suggestions are just my opinion, and this is your story, so make sure to write it the way you want it to be! If you don't agree with any of my suggestions, then ignore them :)

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- bluecrayonlady