Book Reviews 2 [SLOW UPDATES]

Review #43: An Unexpected Serving

Luthien08

First Impression: cute and simple cover!

I really like the title because of how it relates to the story! You have a great balance of descriptions and dialogue, which is great because it adds the perfect amount of information to the story. I like that your descriptions are detailed, and your vocabulary is informative. Everything flows well, and I really like your characterization. I can really tell what kind of character each of them are, and I can see their personalities. The story itself moves at a great pace, and is a cute and short read. I like that you add in the internal conflict that goes inside Melanie's head when Hayley shows up. Make sure to watch verb tense, even if it is minor. For example, "Just because he's been sitting in my section the past three nights didn't mean he was in love with me" is inconsistent in verb tense. I would change "didn't" and "was" to "doesn't" and "is," respectively. I would also like to see more description of Melanie's background and her age, to give basic information. The part where Derek falls seems a little awkward, like it was planned by him to get hurt so Melanie could take his part. I would change it to be a little smoother and less "staged" to make it more realistic.

Remember that these suggestions are just my opinion, and this is your story, so make sure to write it the way you want it to be! If you don't agree with any of my suggestions, then ignore them :)

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- bluecrayonlady