Book Reviews 2 [SLOW UPDATES]

Review #45: Hayden Mackay and the Forgotten Kingdom

jyothi89

First Impression: great summary, very captivating; cover could use some work

This is a great story, and congratulations on completing it! I'm glad you are continuing the series. You have a great start, giving insight on the evil side. I like that you start with background information, and slowly add in plot to gradually build up the story. That being said, from Chapters 1 to 5, there is a lot of description of Hayden's every action, which slow the story down. I think it would flow and pace better if you move those chapters at a faster pace, because after that, the story moves quickly and lots of information comes in. You have great characterization, and I can tell what kind of person each of them are. I love the idea that each of them have their own stone with unique powers, especially the dinner call! The switch of points of views is also great, because it gives us a different perspective. You have a great balance of action throughout the chapters. The major thing you need to work on is grammar, because there are a lot of errors that I found throughout the summary and story. Make sure to watch your verb tense, as well, especially since you are talking about present day and history as well. There are a lot of spelling errors. For example, you write, "Zarina sighed but she didn't stop her selves from speaking" in Chapter 1, but this is wrong, because it's "herself." You do this a lot with other sentences throughout the book as well, so it's not just a minor error. Make sure to fix that when you go back to edit. There are also some run on sentences, and you tend to write incomplete sentences. Also, you write, "May be," but it should be "Maybe." I'm also a little confused about how the pond works. Did they just go in, and then find a room where they fought Shashi? 

Remember that these suggestions are just my opinion, and this is your story, so make sure to write it the way you want it to be! If you don't agree with any of my suggestions, then ignore them :)

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- bluecrayonlady