Book Reviews 2 [SLOW UPDATES]

Review #62: Uncliché

schoolgirlsoudra

First Impression: cute cover, the summary isn't very eye catching, doesn't spark any interest

The first chapter of your story should be titled "Author's Note," because it isn't the prologue. I dislike the short sentences a lot, because it causes a lot of pauses when reading. I suggest combining the sentences into longer sentences so you have a variety, and not hit "enter" after every statement you make. Also, make sure to check your spelling and grammar because I found some mistakes throughout the story. You also have a lot of fragmented sentences, which were a pain to read. There's also a lot of rambling and nonsense that is written, especially when you write about all her thoughts and they're all over the place. I also think that you shouldn't give a run through of everything she does in her day, because then you leave the reader bored. I found myself bored during the story at the slow parts. I also found it unrealistic that she would talk about her cancer so lightly, and just drop that fact so abruptly in the beginning of the story. You need to work on developing the plot so it flows better and things don't come at random times. Give more background information before jumping to the big parts, like the deal. I also think you should give more descriptions, especially in terms of her family life or what her situation is. Your characters also have no depth, and it seems as if they are just blank slates. I want you to develop them further so they have distinct personalities instead of just following the cliche parts. Also, I'm really confused on whether this is a poem or a story, because at times, it seems like you're writing a poem with all the fragmented sentences. 

Overall, this story needs a lot of work. 

Remember that these suggestions  are just my opinion, and this is your story, so make sure to write it the way you want it to be! If you don't agree with any of my suggestions, then ignore them :)

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- bluecrayonlady