☆Sidemen Imagines and Preferences☆

#20• Josh Imagine

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Requested: ZerkaaBae

Theme: Sad and Depressed

Warning: Self harm, suicide talk, depression, swearing
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Emily's POV.

Everything felt like a black cloud of depression that tried to strangle me every time I tried to escape. It held me prisoner even when I wanted to break free and be happy.

I was happy with Josh but right now when I'm alone and the voices start getting louder is the time when I need him the most. He's out with his friends, he offered me to come with him but I didn't have any energy.

It was 10 o'clock at night and my thoughts had turned sour and started to make me pull at my hair. Depression is hard to deal with. I've been clean for a couple of weeks now and my skin has been itching for the sensation of the blades.

I started to unconsciously scratch at my wrists trying to stop the craving for the blood. I wanted to do it again. The only thing holding me back was the feeling of guilt I would have after. I promised Josh I wouldn't do it again.

My warm tears streamed down my face as I sat alone in the dark room screaming inside. No one knows the battle I'm fighting in this room, in my head.

YOU'RE WORTHLESS!

YOU'RE UGLY AND FAT!

JOSH DOESN'T NEED YOU!

NO ONE CARES!!

A million thoughts raced through my mind until I broke. I crawled over to my bathroom and immediately went for where I hid my blades. After I found them I grabbed the biggest, sharpest one I had and held it close to my skin.

Without hesitation I started to cut up my wrists not even thinking of where I was slicing. My mind relaxed as I saw my blood and cuts on my wrists.

I went wild with the blade on my skin as the pain made me feel better somehow. I could never explain the feeling.

"Em, I'm home!" Josh's voice flooded the house.

Shit!

I scramble to my weak feet as the blood started to drip everywhere and my adrenaline pumped. My eyes frantic and my head dizzy. My blade dropped onto the tiles and I heard the bed room door open.

"Hey babe? Is everything okay?" I heard Josh ask starting to get worried. I didn't have time to answer him before the door got swung open revealing my mess.

"Babe, no! Please," Josh croaked his eyes already blurred with tears. I could see it in his eyes, the sight of me hurt was breaking him. I heard him sniff as none of us said anything.

He picked me up off the ground as I didn't want to break the silence. I could tell by the way he bit his lip he was in thought. He ran warm water into the bath as he looked me dead in the eye.

"W-Why?" He stuttered his mouth quivering trying not to let out a sob. I was doing the exact same. I didn't want to put my problems on him but I know he wouldn't mind.

"I-I just felt, alone, worthless and unwanted," I admit avoiding eye contact. I heard him sigh sadly as he stopped the water.

He placed me inside the tub as he lightly started to clean my cuts. I winced as he mumbled sorry. After they were cleaned up he dried me off then attached his lips to my scarred wrists.

"So beautiful," then he kissed another one.

"I love you," then another.

"Your perfect to me," another.

He kissed every single cut and scar and said sweet things about me.

"I love the way you smile,"

"I love the sound of your laugh,"

He continued until he was done. What did I do to deserve such a sweet caring loving boyfriend? My heart melted at his words.

I wrapped my arms around his neck hugging him cause I was speechless and also quite tired. He picked my up from the bathroom floor and carried my over to our shared bed.

He carefully placed me down as if I was going to break like glass in his hands. He pulled the blankets over both of us and I felt a lot better already. 

"Hey Emily? I know it's unfair for me to make you promise for you not to do it again so I won't, but I do want to tell you this..." He started as I held onto him and listened to his words.

"I've shared so many wonderful memories with you. The cute lazy days we have, the time we went to Thorpe Park, when we went on our first date, our first kiss.  They were all magical memories..."

"...and I don't want my last memory of you to be you lying on the bathroom ground covered in blood. I don't want that to be the last picture I have in my head of you. I want to have more time with you. I don't care how long it takes but I'm going to help you get through this!" He spoke with so much compassion.

My eyes filled with tears at his words. I loved him so so much and I did want to spend more happy times with him. I know I can get better if he is there with me by my side.

"Promise you will stay with me through this?" I say bringing out my pinky.

"I promise." He hooks his pinky in with mine and I smile knowing I could do this, although it will be hard and tiring I have him as my lifeguard. He will help me swim when I'm nearly drowning. 

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There you go Emily I hoped you liked it xx

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ALSO!!! I just want everyone to read this please!

If any of you are going through depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm, eating disorders, anxiety ANYTHING!

I'M HERE FOR YOU! I don't want any one to be hurting themselves and I won't judge because I completely understand. 

Don't hurt yourselves your too precious xx

Published: 20.8.16

Edited: 6.9.17