feeling unlovable

i'm not something he'd want to love

III

Felix ran his fingers through his hair, hoping to neaten it as he exited the janitor's closet. Looking behind him, he smirked as he watched Ashley pull down her thin dress before she pulled a mirror from her purse to fix her make-up that had been ruined when Felix and she were 'busy' in the closet. Ashley looked up at him, a teasing smile coming to her red painted lips, "That was awesome, babe. I even enjoyed the part where we made the Harper girl cry." Ashley chuckled as if it was the funniest thing in the world.

Felix frowned, guilt filling him as he turned away from Ashley and scanned the gym. Hoping to spot Emma's blonde locks among the crowd of dancing bodies only for guilt to eat at him, even more, when he couldn't see her among the dancing teenagers. Stepping away from the side of the gym, Felix wondered into the crowd until his eyes landed on the fiery locks of one of Emma's friends.

Tapping her shoulder, he watched as she spun to face him only to scowl in disgust and moved to turn back around when Felix took a hold of her dainty shoulder, "I'm not too pleased to see you either, Red but where's Emma?"

Beckie rolled her eyes, flicking Felix's hand off her shoulder and scowling towards him as she crossed her arms over her chest, "She went to get some fresh air, she probably with Marcus right about now."

Felix scowled at the mention of the Hispanic boy and turned towards the exist of the gym. Nodding towards Beckie, he turned around and headed towards the exist just in time to see Emma a few meters away. Lifting her dress to get into Marcus's old truck and just as Marcus closed the door, Emma looked up and locked eyes with Felix. Her eyes hardened and she immediately turned away to look towards Marcus who sent her a goofy grin before he started the car and pulled off.

Felix scowled as he watched the two pull out of the high school's parking lot before he frowned, suddenly realizing that he didn't have a lift.

<><><>

"Thanks for the night, Marcus, if it wasn't for you I would have had the worst night ever." Emma chuckled, turning to Marcus who turned off his engine and had turned his body to face Emma who was looking up at him with those blue eyes he could never resist.

"You know I'd always be there for you, I care about you." More then you think. Marcus sent Emma a wink before turning towards his door. Emma quickly reached out and took a hold of the arm that had moved to open the door. "It's okay, Marcus. I'll see you tomorrow."

Marcus nodded, leaning over to kiss Emma's cheek before watching as she hopped out of the truck and jogged towards the entrance of the Harper mansion where the door was opened by one of the housemaids. Emma sent Marcus one more small and shy wave before closing her front door behind her. Emma thanked the maid that had opened for her, wishing the woman good night before jogging up towards her room where she shoved her dress off and kicked her heels across the room.

Walking towards her vanity to get rid of her make-up, her eyes locked on a few pictures that were glued to her mirror. She frowned, her eyes starting to water as it gazed at the photograph of her and Felix. It was taken five years ago by Owen, and what was supposed to be the best day of Emma's life that had turned into a day of rejection and humiliation.

Emma didn't understand how her being in love with him was the worst thing in the world to him. Did Felix not want to be loved? Or was the person giving him the love the problem?

All Emma knew was that she wanted to forget, even if it was for one night. She wanted to forget that the boy she wanted, didn't want her and that she wasn't about to get married to that boy. Plucking the picture from the mirror, Emma walked from her room towards the kitchen where she pulled a bottle of vodka from one of the cabinets and stared down at the bottle. "Just one night." She whispered softly before clutching the glass bottle tightly in her hand and racing off towards her room.

<><><>

Hearing muffled sounds from across the hall, Owen sat up in his bed and looked over towards his bedroom door. Frowning, he stood up and pushed open the door, peeking his head outside to see light coming from Emma's room. She wasn't supposed to be home, he hadn't sent his father's driver with the limo to pick Felix and Emma up. Walking over towards Emma's bedroom, he didn't bother to knock as he pushed open the door just in time to see Emma throw herself onto her bed.

Walking into the room, he made his way towards Emma and stared down her confused."Emma? Who dropped you off?" Owen asked as leaned over the bed.

Emma looked up at her brother, "Marcus."

Owen slowly sat down next to Emma before scrunching up her nose in disgust as his foot knocked a vodka bottle out from under Emma's blanket, "Are you drunk?"

Emma giggled through tears, "I had so much to drink when I came home, I can see three of you. I shouldn't have drank all that vodka but after Marcus left, I was so sad. I think he's cute you know, he slow danced with me." Emma burped before giggling, "Felix is a real meanie."

Owen frowned, "You know you shouldn't get drunk, Emma. What happened?"

Emma let out a sob and turned around, "I don't want to talk about it."

Owen sighed, Emma had always been a weird drunk. "What happened? You had been going crazy these past few days about the dance being perfect when you found out Felix was taking you."

Emma shook her head, "Okay, I'll tell you." Emma sat up before shaking her head, "Nothing happened, Owen." Owen rolled his eyes at the weirdo.

He shook his head, "I know you're lying-"

Emma smiled lazily up at her brother, "He had sex with Ashely in the janitor's closet. It's all over Twitter."

Owen moved to comfort his sister only for her to burst into tears when his arms wrapped around her.

Emma turned to him, "Do you want to know the truth, Owen. Felix had to be drunk to take me to the formal, am I that bad for him to have to be intoxicated to take me? We didn't dance because he said no. We didn't talk because he didn't want too. He didn't even remember my name, Owen. He didn't remember my name and we've been friends since mom gave birth to me. Fourteen years went to waste because I'm not Emma, I'm Jemma. He wanted to get drunk because a night with me isn't something he wanted to remember. You know, I got all dressed up. Got out of comfort zone so he would notice me and he refused to dance with me but he could dance with that girl. And  kept my mouth shut, I let him dance with her and I let him take her to janitors closet so he can have fun because I didn't want to ruin his night. I'm not pretty enough to have him watch me dance on the floor. I'm not sexy enough to have him pause to look at me. He doesn't want me and it kills me! I'm getting married to him in two weeks and he's there, probably taking that girl home now and I'm here. Crying to you about how I'm not okay, how I'm killing myself over someone who doesn't give a two fucks about me. You know, when you guys found me after I lost Felix, mom promised I'd be okay and that everything would go back to normal. Nothing's back to normal, it's been four years and I'm worse."

Owen frowned, Emma had always been an overdramatic drunk but he had never thought she would react like this. Owen stared at her and then looked away, "I've tried what you do, Owen. I've tried drinking but it doesn't help, I go to sleep dreaming out my worst nightmare and when I wake up. I'll back to being Emma Harper, the girl that should have a perfect a life. I know you loved Kaila, I know she loved you but she didn't love you enough to marry you. When I was four, I planned a wedding to get married to Felix. He helped me, promising we would marry and be in love forever. He kept his promise, we are getting married but he's not in love with me. And even if I hope he'll love me someday, this hope is killing me because he'll never love me. I'm not something he would want to love. I'm damaged."