feeling unlovable

last night, it was a mistake

LIX

Waking up the next morning, Felix felt everything crash down on him. The pain of a hangover. The feeling of his wife's side of the bed cold. And then the pain of every memory of last coming back to him.

He shot out of the bed that burned his skin as he remembered what he had done to Emma. He looked to Emma's side of the bed and panic flowed through his body as he looked at her empty space. He let out a soft cry as he stood up from his bed and called her name. No answer reached his ears and he throw open his bedroom door and ran from his room. Shouting her name, hoping she would answer.

He turned in circles as he looked around before he ran back to his room and sat down on his bed. He buried his face into his hands as his shoulders shook and tears flowed from his eyes. His legs buckling under him as he crashed to his carpeted floor. He had never meant to hurt Emma.

He had never experienced anger like that before. The jealously of hearing Emma say his name.

He could hear a voice telling him what he was doing was wrong but he could stop himself. He was drunk but he knew he couldn't blame intoxication on what he had done.

It was him. He was the one that had done something so wrong to Emma.

He didn't want too. But all those little voices taunted him, telling him he needed to do it. That it was the answer to all his prays.

She'll love you.

You'll have a child.

You'll grant your parents what they've always wanted.

You won't have a complete fucked up life.

Cancer won't stop you from having kids.

You want this.

You're showing her how much you love her.

Felix couldn't help but hope she wasn't pregnant. That they hadn't conceived a child. How could he burden her with something like that? A child that brought back memories of the night he had attacked her when she was weak. When she wasn't completely herself, where she was drunk. Half conscious.

He was disgusted with himself, not believing that he would could do something like that. But he had. He was someone who did something like that.

Something so wrong.

Something so degrading.

And she was gone.

Because he couldn't keep it in his pants. Because he couldn't handle his ego being broken. Because he couldn't handle the pain of hearing someone he loved love some else.

He hated himself for crying, for feeling pain when he was the one at fault. He wanted to scream. Scream for someone to hurt him, to make him feel the pain Emma had felt but he knew no one would be able to make him feel what she felt.

To be betrayed by someone she trusted. Someone who slept next to her every night and woke up to every morning. Someone who had known her since the day she was born. Someone who was apart of you.

Felix could only image what she was feeling. He didn't bother trying because no matter how hard he tried, he would never feel pain like his Emma had and he hated that he couldn't take the pain he had caused away.

He had...raped her.

It was hard for him to say the word without flinching and wanting to throw up, he wouldn't even think it. But all he could about was Emma's face. Emma's tears, salty running down her cheeks without ending.