feeling unlovable

oh, cut the crap! what the fuck is this?

XCV

Emma sighed as she laid her head against her arm that rested on the seat of the toilet. She slowly lifted her hand to cover her mouth. She knew what all these symptoms meant but she was scared to take the test for some reason. It was as if something in her told her it wasn't time to take it but she knew she had too. Flushing the toilet, she stood up and made her way towards her bag that held the test in. She had been trying to hide it from Marcus, scared the test would get his hopes up.

Opening the door of the bathroom, she looked across the room to see Marcus sleeping in their bed. Next to him in his arms slept Damon who was stretched out across the bed and Emma sighed heavily again. Looking down at the test in her hand as she pulled a bottle from the small fridge outside their bathroom and chugged it down as she leaned against the door. Making sure the door was locked as she made her way towards the toilet.

<><><>

Felix woke up that morning feeling like shit which wasn't unusual for him and he sighed as he looked to his right and noticed the half empty bottle of vodka next to him and as he reached for it, he heard the door of his room open and he pulled the bottle towards him and threw it across the room that it landed on a few pillows on the side of the room and he twisted his body so his back faced the door.

He could hear his mother's heels click on the floor as she made her way into the room and walked towards the bed. Felix shut his eyes tightly as she leaned over, kissing his forehead and tucking the blanket around him before making her way around the room. Picking up discarded clothes and throwing it into a basket. She called for a maid, handing her the clothes and Felix tensed as his mother made her way towards the pillows at the side of the room.

Felix felt his breath hitch as his mother picked up a pillow, the vodka sliding towards the floor and Felix's eyes widened as his mother moved to look down when a maid and rushed into the room. "Mrs. Harper awaits in the living room, ma'am."

"Thank you, Hazel."

Olivia stood up and moved to leave when her eyes landed on the vodka bottle on the floor and Felix eyes shut tightly at the sound of his mother gasping and lifting the bottle from the floor. She frowned as she turned her gaze towards her son and she sighed, deciding to talk to him later.

She started to make her way out of the room, the bottle in her hand as she placed it against her lips.

<><><>

"Emma? You still in here?" Marcus asked as he knocked on the door for the bathroom and leant his head against the door for his blood to run cold at the sound of Emma sobbing. "Emma! Open the door, please."

Emma looked up from the mirror in the bathroom to see her bathroom door shaking as Marcus rapidly banding his hand against it and she quickly sprayed water over her face, drying her off and made her way towards the door. Taking a deep breath as she pushed open the door and pulled her lips into a smile.

"Good morning! How'd you sleep, babe?" Emma smiled wider but it started to falter as Marcus rose his eyebrows and cupped her face with a frown.

"Don't lie, you were crying. What's wrong? Did something happen? Is it Felix?" Marcus asked panicked and Emma's eyes widened as she tried it think of an excuse.

Not knowing what to do, she blurted out the first thing that came it her head, "I had a dream... Bennett was there and I just woke feeling like shit."

Emma grimaced as Marcus pulled her into a hug and kissed her forehead. She hated that she lied, that she had to use Bennett as an excuse but even though she was scared to take the test. A small part of her hoped she was positive.

Pushing thoughts from her head, she pulled from Marcus's embrace and made her way towards the bed where Damon sat up on. His blonde hair wild and his green eyes wide as he looked around. Emma pulled him onto her lap and kissed his cheek. At least she had this baby.

"Whose birthday is coming up?" She asked and placed her hand under her chin as she pretended to think.

"Mine!" Damon called out, giggling wildly when Emma places kisses all over his little face.

Marcus chuckled, sitting down next to Emma and tickling Damon's side. His heart warming as Damon giggled and grabbed his hands, "And when is this special someone's birthday?"

"Tomorrow!"

<><><>

Felix looked down at his notepad and towards his laptop, groaning as he slammed his pen onto his desk and existing the online shopping website on the screen and shutting his laptop. He had been struggling for hours on what to buy Damon. He wanted it to memorable, something that could stay with his son before he passed.

He had a thought in mind but he knew Emma would lose her shit over it and he didn't think he should work Emma up on Damon's birthday.

Then again, Anything Damon wants, Damon gets.

Emma's words.

Felix sighed and rubbed at his eyes, pulling open a draw at the side of his desk and looked towards the pack of cigarettes taunting him. He wanted to but he knew he shouldn't. He shut the draw and tapped at his desk with his fingers before looking towards it again and opened the draw, only to slam it shut at the sound of his office door opening.

He felt his heart sky rocket as his mother walked into his office. And pulled his lips into a straight line as he pulled his laptop open and tapped any application and pretended to be busy as he listened to the sound of his mother's heels getting loud. Taunting him.

He needed that cigarette now.

He felt himself tense as he mother placed the vodka bottle from this morning next to his lap and Felix spared the vodka a glance before turning back at the now empty bottle.

Felix choice to ignore the bottle and sat up straight in his seat, "Afternoon, mom."

"Oh, cut the crap. What the fuck is this?"

Felix eyes snapped up to meet his mother's eyes at the sound of her sweet voice cursing and he felt his stomach turn unnaturally at the sight of his mother's blood shot eyes.

"You're drunk." Felix blurted out as he looked towards his mother with a frown. Olivia ignored him, picking up the vodka bottle and shoving it towards Felix. "What the fuck is this?!" She screamed and Felix felt his heart jump and his eyes widen as his mother threw the bottle across the room.

The glass shattered and the sound echoed across the room. Another thing taunting him as he saw the glass scatter across his floor. "It's a vodka bottle."

Olivia's lips pulled into an angry pout and her hands clenched into fists. Her face hardening and her eyebrows permanently being joined together as she stormed towards Felix. Slamming her hands against his chest.

One hit wasn't enough and she started to pound her fist against her son's chest. "How could you?!"

Felix closed his eyes as felt his thoughts clouding with emotions as his mother cried helplessly in front of him. "I just lost him and I can't lose you!"

"I'm here." Felix said as he tired to comfort the woman who still pounded her fists against his chest.

"You're killing yourself! For what?! I need you! I need both of you and one of you is already gone. Please don't leave me." Olivia sobbed into his chest.

Felix knew he was lying as he kissed his mother's head and held her in his arms, "I won't, I won't ever leave you."