feeling unlovable

i wasn't ready to lose him, emma

LXXXV

Emma looked towards herself in the mirror as her hands trailed across the necklace she remembered Bennett giving her on her twenty-first birthday.

Emma sighed as she straightened the material of her black dress and she smiled as Marcus wrapped his arms around her waist. "You look beautiful."

Emma smiled, leaning up and kissing him softly before turning towards Damon who ran towards his mother and wrapped his arms around her legs. He hated the little tux that he had to wear to his grandpa's funeral but he put up with it after Marcus bribed him with gummy bears.

"Let's go." Marcus said as he picked up Damon and held the door open for Emma as they walked towards his car.

<><><>

Marcus turned to look towards his girlfriend who laid her head back against the seat as she looked out towards the scenery that flowed past her. She looked so calm but Marcus knew it was a cover as he looked towards her fingers that nervously tugged at each other and he reached out and took one of her hands into his.

"Emma."

Emma turned her head slightly and let her eyes land on her boyfriend who rose their hands and laid a soft kiss on her palm before he leaned over and kissed her temple before turning back to the road. "I want you to be with Felix."

Emma froze and Marcus quickly shook his head as he saw Emma's eyes widen, "Not like that. Felix just lost his father, his best friend and he needs you and Damon."

"But—"

Marcus looked away from the road and turned to Emma, "Felix won't admit it but he needs you and now more then ever and I'm okay with you being there for him because if I wasn't here, I'd want Felix to be there for you."

Emma smiled slightly towards Marcus, "And when did you become this considerate?"

"I always was, Emma."

Emma sighed, "I know, I'm just not use to you two getting along since he stopped being my friend. It's a nice sight."

Marcus smiled, "I'm glad."

<><><>

Felix didn't know what to feel. Other then having completely no more tears, he didn't know how to react to suddenly have no father.

He didn't even know how to feel when the doctor told him his father wouldn't make it. He didn't know how to react when he saw his father's heart rate going slower until there was nothing left.

And then everything hit him at once, seeing his mother break the way she did made him realize how real everything around him was but he kept himself together. Pushing back tears as he supported his mother.

She had stopped eating and would sit at her window, thinking of all the things she and Bennett had done around the house before Felix was born. She couldn't stop thinking of how they would chase each other around the mansion before he would catch her and kiss her under the shadows so his parents wouldn't find out.

She couldn't stop thinking of when she had fallen pregnant with Felix and Bennett had taken her to the woods behind the mansion and had treated her to a picnic as he watched every move she made because he feared she'd get hurt.

She couldn't sleep because her bed felt cold and Felix would often wake up to hearing his mother sobbing in her bed. Felix would often have to hold her at night and it broke his heart to hear her mutter into his chest, thinking he was Bennettt.

Felix tightened his tie and made sure his cuffs were in place before he made his way out of his room and towards his mother's room to see her sitting in front of that window again as she softly cried and her hands traced her wedding ring.

"I can hear him laughing, I can hear him singing and I can hear him calling my name. Telling me he loves me." Olivia looked over her shoulder towards her son who slowly made his way towards her and wrapped his arms around her in a tight grip

He laid a kiss onto her forehead, "I know you miss him but he'll always be with you." Felix chuckled, "Like he'll ever leave you alone."

Olivia let out a soft laugh and kissed her son's cheek, "Thank you... you've taken good care of this old lady."

Felix chuckled, "And I won't stop taking care of you."

Felix turned to look over his shoulder before taking his mother's arm, "The car's ready. Let's go."

<><><>

Emma looked up towards Marcus as they walked into the church and Marcus sent her a smile. He leaned down and kissed her before he handed a sleeping Damon over to her, "Support him."

Emma nodded, keeping a hold of Marcus's hand as she guided him towards the front of the church where Felix sat. Alex looked up and sent Marcus and Emma a smile and moved up for them to sit. Felix looked up from his lap and a small smile took over his face as Emma sat down next to him and kissed his cheek, "How are you doing?"

"I'm keeping up, my mom..."

Emma looked over her shoulder towards Olivia who cried softly into her hands as Mary and Bennett's brother tried to comfort her. Emma stood and walked towards her and Olivia quickly stood up and pulled Emma into a hug.

Emma sighed and leaned away, kissing Olivia's cheek, "How you holding up?"

Olivia smiled, "I'm not sure but I know I miss him so much."

Emma didn't get the chance to reply as the priest came up towards the coffin and Olivia sent her off towards Felix and Marcus. She settled down between them before she handed Damon towards Felix who seemed to be looking for the distraction as he rocked at the baby that softly started to wail.

And just one look at a photo of his dad had him standing up, handing Damon over to Marcus and making a run for the church doors.

<><><>

"That's bad for your health."

Felix flinched at the sound of Emma's hard voice and he looked down at the cigarette in his hands before turning to look towards Emma who sent him a hard glare as she took the cigarette from his hand and placed it under her heel.

"What are you doing?!" Emma shouted as she slammed her hands against his chest and Felix eyes widened as he fell back against his car. "I know you're going through a tough time but that doesn't mean you should sabotage your health. You have cancer, Felix! Stage 4 and you're only twenty- four eyes old! You have a son who can't even say his name yet and you're smoking!"

Felix couldn't take watching Emma break down as she clearly didn't think she should. She had been keeping it in, her fear of Felix passing and Bennett passing, was bring all her fears to the surface.

"I can't help it! I'm scared, okay? I'm angry his gone! I'm afraid of going a day with out him here! He was my best friend! He was the man I wanted to be and—" Felix felt his voice break and he tried to calm down but Emma hit his chest, "Don't keep it in!"

"He wasn't even fifty yet! He was supposed to travel the world with my mom in a few years! Everything's up side down and I don't know what to do!"

Felix felt tears falling down his face as he looked down at his feet, "I wasn't ready to lose him, Emma. I told myself I was by I'm not."

Emma nodded her head as Felix pulled her into his chest and cried into her neck while she ran her fingers through his hair. "Everything's going to be okay. I'm here for you," Emma leaned away from Felix and softly laid her lips against his cheek, her hold on him tightening, "Don't ever forget that I'll always be there to pick you up and hold you when you need me. I might not be your wife anymore but you are still my best friend."