feeling unlovable

this is all your fucking fault

LXII

Felix returned home to silence. He had left work early to get done for the dinner that would take place tonight. He threw his blazer towards one of the butlers before walking toward the kitchen, expecting to see Emma eating at her crazing. Frowning at the no sight of her, he turned to ask where she was, "Where's my wife?"

Harold turned to him and frowned, "Mrs. Hayden had made her way towards the bedroom. She was in a dull mode since her visitor."

Felix frowned, jogging up towards his bedroom to see Emma laying in their bed as she cried. Sniffles reaching his ears. He walked towards their bed and sat down, running his hand over her back. "Emma? What's wrong?"

Emma suddenly shot up from lying in bed to throw her arms around Felix and cried against his chest. "Marcus was here." She didn't care that his touch burned her skin or that he was so close to her. She just needed someone to hold her, to tell everything would work out, even when shit had hit the wall.

Felix froze, "His here?"

Emma nodded, choking on her sob as she mumbled into Felix's chest, "I didn't think telling him to move on would hurt this much."

Who was she kidding? She knew that seeing Marcus leaving her life would destroy her even more. But she tried to convince herself it was for a good reason, he had to leave. There was no other option yet a huge part of her thought that he didn't need to leave.

That everyone could still be happy and then she thought of her family. Olivia and Bennett who would be crushed to see her leave them. Her parents who would feel guilty at seeing her with Marcus. And her baby, who wouldn't have that happy family she grew up with.

She was naive, thinking everything would be okay. That there was going to be a happy family.

Felix sighed, tightening his arms around her as he held her up as she cried against his chest. "It's going to be okay." He didn't know if the words he muttered were the right words and even though he doubted it, he still said it.

Emma cringed, leaning away from him and the sudden anger she felt for him when talking to Marcus came back. She pushed against his chest, hard, causing Felix to stumble off of their bed shocked. "Emma?"

"This is all your fucking fault." She had all this anger building up, that she couldn't keep in as she screamed at him.

Felix chest pained as he knelt down on their carpeted floor, his eyes wide as he watched his wife glare at him. "My fault?" His voice shook as he spoke.

"It's all your ducking fault! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" Felix heart broke as he watched Emma sob as she screamed at him. Breaking down in front of his eyes that he quickly rushed to her. Pulling her into his arms, "I know, Emma. I know."

"I love him so much, Felix. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and now I can't. Why did you do this to me? I want to hate you, I want to feel distaste when I look at you but I can't. I don't want to love you but I can't. I hate that I love you and that I can't seem to blame you for everything. It's frustrating, hearing my mind tell me to get away from you and my heart telling me to care for you." Emma sobs against his chest, fisting his shirt in her small hand. "Why can't I hate you? Is there something wrong with me?"

Felix shook his head, "There's nothing wrong with you, Emma. I fucked up in the worst why possible. I did...this to you."

Emma shook her head, she had to pull herself together. She needed to pull herself together. For the past two months she had been telling herself that she was fine and she didn't think she could handle another two months of rebuilding. She needed to bring that wall back up before it completely crumbled.