Reviews Corner-on Request

Review by thenameisfoureyes

TheSparrowGirl Wings

As based on the flow of the stories, it is entirely evident how vast your imagination is. Not only that but you were able to take the definition of heartbreak to the unconventional level; dwelling on stories of death and backstories of those who are usually villains portraying cliché roles.

Your free versed poems "Lover, Terrorist and Season of Separation" are really well-written. Strong words were used that helped with the symbolism. However, out of these three, I would say that "Terrorist" was the most well-balanced and harmonious in terms of measurement.

Moreover, your use of punctuation, both commas and periods are good. You also have a nice way of playing with words. I can definitely say that your main assets as a poet and writer are your descriptive and imaginative skills.

However, I would like to offer these following suggestions to further improve your work

-stanza forming. I noticed that not all your poems were written in stanzas. Personally, I think these stanzas would help you keep your plotline in check. It'll also help you see what lacks in the flow of the story.

-harmony. A poem can be harmonious, by that I am referring to the balance in terms of the poem's measurements. I suggest that you see to it that your lines are as balanced with one another as they can be. The shorter line being at least 2/3 of the longer one. Also, try to maintain the length till each stanza ends

-melody. A poem, especially those written in free verse, would be more beautiful when melodious. This involves the sound patterns given off by the end of each line. I hope you don't mind me citing this example.

Forgive me father for I have sinned,
My heart has beaten not for a man.
Forgive me mother, please, I beg,
Because I love a woman same as I am.

Notice the vowel patterns.. from sinned with an ee sound, beg with an eh (which aren't far sounding), however, what made this melodious is the "man", and "am" which exudes the same intonation. They are not rhyming in whatever way, yet you'll find them fitting in a stanza.

-line-writing. This could be considered under balance too. I noticed that some of your really lines can be joined together to form a single one. That way you can improve the measurement of your poems, and thus, improve the balance.

That's it for this review. I hope my comments help. In addition, I hope that you could continue your first poems. The concept was really great. It just needs more expansion.

Thank you for supporting us and in behalf of the aratsgroup,

Yours truly,

thenameisfoureyes