What Really Happens: NCIS

Chapter 83

Nothing makes sense here at NCIS anymore. Nothing is the same; the way it was when I first started. I feel as if my whole life was planned this way. It was getting me prepared for this moment. It was getting me ready for all these people to be upset with me. It was getting me started to see someone, I called my only friend, in a case for murder.

There was never a point in my experience here where I thought everything was simple. Things are never simple here, but they have never been this complex. I've never let myself get close to a case. I know it's because the others didn't have Sean in them, but things would be different if I never saw him again.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think my life would have been better off without him. I don't mean when we were in elementary school. I needed him then, but I don't need him now. That's the thing, I can say that but feel like I do need him. I feel as if ever since I saw him sitting in interrogation, that I immediately wanted to help as much as I could. I could have helped more if I didn't tell that stupid story. If we didn't talk the way we did when I was sitting across from him, he would have left and I would never see him again. Right?

No. He would have still followed me to Tim's place. I saw him after we went to go talk to the gang, after we saw the video of him and Sugar, and after Tim went to go and get us food. He would have still tried. Wouldn't he?

Maybe he would have thought too much has changed if I approached him a certain way. If I was more professional, and serious when I went in there to talk to him. He would think I wouldn't be any help. He would be safer from the gang because I wouldn't have barged into Terry's home and have Adam step outside.

How is it in the span of only months that everything is different? Abby and I aren't as close as we were. The other day, I don't know what that was. I told Tim and her that it was okay because she was right. It was just that she's never looked at me like that before. Tim and I are also distant from each other. We still call each other but that's as close as I get to seeing him. Ziva has been busy staking out the gangs hang out. I never want to call her because I don't want to mess up her focus or have her cover blown. Gibbs, I haven't talked to at all since he told me to go home and planned to have me be watched at all times. I used to talk to him everyday almost all day. It wasn't originally supposed to be like that because I work with and for Abby. It's just how it was. Last, Tony was the only good thing that has been the same. Except when I saw his soft side for the first time. I've never seen him like that. I'm thankful I did.

This case has been draining the energy out of everyone. I can't imagine how Ziva must feel being stuck in that car all day and all night. I'm glad that Tim checks up on her and they switch sometimes. Before him, she was sitting in there 24/7. I'm not the only one this case is affecting. I should stop acting like it is.

I'm laying down in my room trying to tune out my own thoughts. It's been only a few days since I saw Sean and blew his cover. I want to think that Adam would have went out for a smoke with or without me being there. It's just the timing that was off. I can't go back but I wish I could. I won't even listen to music because it will only make me think of it more.

My phone rings and it's nine at night.

"Hey Tim." I don't have to look at an ID to know who's calling me at this hour.

"Hey baby. What are you doing?" He still calls me baby and that fills the hole in my heart just a tiny bit.

I tell him the truth, or we will be more a part than we are. "I think you were right Tim. If I just talked to Sean this case would be closer to over."

I can feel his sigh from this side of the phone. "No, baby I should have never said that to you. There were a lot of things I shouldn't have said that night." I hear another sigh. "We have to talk about that night. We never did."