Plot and Idea: Amazing
Genre: Short Story
Summary:
In which a boy falls in love with the girl in a coma...
Highest ranking ~ #30 in Short Story
Feb 7th, 2016
Written by Tee Kemp
Cover by Tee Kemp
Copyright@teekemp2015
My Review: Alright, the beginning of your story doesn't seem to have a good flow in your prologue, it's going a bit too fast. Though you doo have proper grammar and a beautiful cover, there are times that your punctuation seems off and messes with your sentence structure. I would suggest checking your spacing here and there, since in the third chapter it gets confusing. If you want to represent a characters thoughts you can use italics or bold, so readers aren't confused.
You have many things that do need work, but it seems that your paragraphing isn't bad and your male character had better development then your female character. The description in your story is a bit lacking and the dialogue is a little confusing, mainly these issues are in your prologue. The pace is rushed and doesn't allow for a full comprehension of everything going on in the story.
This story has an opportunity to be wonderful, but your prologue is the first thing everyone reads, but it's quite lacking. The mistakes I see from your story are mainly in that very first chapter; you seem very uncomfortable and static about everything to do with this female character, but when reaching the second character (Tyler) everything seems to work better. I'd suggest fixing that first chapter before looking through the little kinks in the rest of your story.
Rating: 8.1
Overall: This story is alright as you read the male characters point of view, but really needs work in the prologue.
