see you later // Pablo Gavi

Chapter 47

𝑰 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒆𝒘 𝒂 𝒘𝒊𝒔𝒉 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒆𝒍𝒍. 𝑫𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒂𝒔𝒌 𝒎𝒆, 𝑰'𝒍𝒍 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒍. 𝑰 𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒔 𝒊𝒕 𝒇𝒆𝒍𝒍, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒘𝒂𝒚. 𝑰'𝒅 𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒅𝒆 𝒎𝒚 𝒔𝒐𝒖𝒍 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒂 𝒘𝒊𝒔𝒉, 𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒏𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒅𝒊𝒎𝒆𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒂 𝒌𝒊𝒔𝒔. 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔𝒏'𝒕 𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒘𝒂𝒚. 𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈.

"𝐘𝐎𝐔'𝐑𝐄 𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐌𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐊 𝐈𝐓'𝐒 𝐀𝐍𝐗𝐈𝐄𝐓𝐘? Isn't anxiety basically just the same thing as stress, though? And we've already established I get stressed out. So what's the big revelation...?" Pablo asks me, sounding kind of unimpressed.

I shake my head with a sigh at his misunderstanding. "No, no, not exactly the same. To get stressed out sometimes and to have anxiety are two different things. Stress is just a feeling. Anxiety is a-" I'm about to say disorder, but then realise his pride wouldn't appreciate me saying that, so I say, "A little bit more of a serious... issue."

"You're telling me you think I have issues? What's really the difference between stress and anxiety? And how come you know about this? Are you going to school to be a doctor or something?"

"Actually, I went to school to learn how to be a physical therapist, but I took a class about mental health, and it just clicked to me what all your symptoms lead to."

"God," he teases, rolling his eyes. "You sound like my doctor. How's your handwriting?"

"Quite neat, for your information. Anyway, by the things you've told me, it sounds like you have mild to maybe slightly moderate anxiety." I would hate to worry him any more than I already have. "The things you've described are just a little bit more than just stress."

"I know!" he says, sounding slightly exasperated, which slightly scares me. "But what's the difference from the two?"

"Stress is a feeling you get when something isn't going right, or you're dreading something, or something is causing it. Anxiety is different. Anxiety is inside your head. I think you have both. Anxiety, you get worried about things inside rather than out. It's a feeling that seems to be random, but it could be because your emotions are in turmoil, or other things are not going right, or you're lacking something you need. Or just randomly. You get that feeling randomly, right? Nothing really specifically causes it?"

"Yeah..." he says softly with an awkward shrug.

I wish I could just tell him that anxiety is a mental illness, and being stressed isn't, because that would make explaining this so much easier, but I know better. Things usually don't go well when you flat-out tell someone, Hey, bestie, you're mentally ill! Anyway, how's the freaking weather?!

Then I say quickly, "Although, really, Gavi, I'm probably wrong. I didn't really listen in that class, and I failed it," which is true, "so you probably can't even trust me. In fact, I'm probably spitting a bunch of crap right now. So I'll shut up. I'm sure you're fine, whether it's stress or anxiety or both or if I'm wrong and they're the same exact thing. Either way, nothing to worry about, right? You're good."

"Uh, right..." he says, sounding a bit confused at my sudden change. "Sure. Sounds... good."

"Right, yeah."

Now there is awkward tension in the air between us, so Gavi decides to speak, "There is something I've been thinking about, before we really get this relationship going."

I feel and lump of nervousness in my throat as I look to his eyes, saying, "What...?"

"Oh, don't give me that worried look!" he laughs. I laugh, too. He's so quick to be lighthearted and happy again. How lovely. "I was just thinking, that I've never really been a romance guy, and I probably never will be. I've seen these couples that used to be friends, and then they start dating, and all the sudden, they aren't also friends anymore. All they do is kiss and flirt and touch each other and... yeah. Well, I was thinking, I don't want that to be us, Ember. I love you, and I want to be your boyfriend, but at the same time, we shouldn't become not friends, too. We can be best friends and boy or girl friends, too. You know? Like, we still go out and laugh and talk like we always do, but we, you know... hold hands. Kiss each other's cheeks. Lean into each other. Once in a while, alone, kiss on the lips to let all our love for each other out... That what I've dreamed of. But, well, you never know... I'd hate to break up with you, but if we ever end up doing that, then at least we can still be friends, right, and not have that drama. You know, Ember? I hope you get me... and... agree?"

I stare at him. Well, he's blunt.

And I'm not sure if I agree with him... I mean, what he's saying makes sense. Be boyfriend and girlfriend, but still do friend things, too. Not just partner things. But when I imagined being with Gavi, most of what I imagined was making out and, like, not-safe-for-work... yeah. So... This kind of takes me off guard.

But really, he's being smart about this. Unlike me. And he's right. He really is the right one here, no doubt. So I nod, saying, "Yeah, yeah, Gavi, that makes total sense, you know? Actually, I was thinking just the same thing." I realize this is a lie... going against what I just pushed on him, but... I don't think it's a bad lie. I would never bad lie to him.

"Wait, seriously?" he laughs.

"Yeah, we're like, on the same wavelength. I guess it just means we really are meant for each other, huh?"

He looks very happy with this statement, and all that matters is that he's happy. Suddenly, he pulls out his phone, saying, "Oh, gosh, Ember, I'm sorry. We talked so long, I have to get ready for training now. We don't have time to watch that movie... Sorry."

I chuckle, shaking my head, "No, no, Gavi, it's fine. Perfectly fine. I'd rather talk with you than watch some random 60's movie, no matter how much I like that movie. I'd always choose listening to you over pretty much anything else."