Avengers Texts

Natasha Comes Inside

Matt let Natasha in, and she was expecting the usual amount of chaos- Steve and Tony fighting each other or Bruce, Clint being an imbecile, maybe something on fire. She knew Peter and Wade were there, so she also factored in the probable lewd jokes and angry Tony-rants about Wade being bad.

She was not expecting what she walked into.

First of all, Clint was doing toe touches in the middle of the kitchen, which is weird enough on its own. But he was doing so surrounded by screaming superheroes- Peter and Wade arguing back and forth on opposite sides of the kitchen, Steve and Tony arguing next to each other. Bucky was coming down the stairs with Loki over his shoulder and Bruce trailing behind, Loki deadly silent as the other two talked over each other. Matt was perched on a coffee table in the corner, trying to become invisible.

It was heightened chaos. And Foggy wasn't even there yet.

She sighed and approached the kitchen.

"You cannot just GO AWAY for a month, Wade, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"It would only be to Russi-"

"Oh, well, if you're going to Russia, Steve has a place you can stay, don't you, Steve?"

"I think he'd rather stay at one of YOUR Russian getaways, Tony, or are those all occupied by your live-in French maids?"

"I think they're Russian maids when it's-"

"SHUT UP WADE! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO RUSSIA!"

"It's only three months!"

"YOU JUST SAID ONE MONTH!"

"Maybe he should take lying lessons from Tony."

"Maybe he should take disappearing asshole lessons from you."

"I think you're more qualified to teach that one-"

"You don't answer your phone here, in Russia how-"

"-Two hours-"

"-I thought you were-"

"-YOU COULD DIE-"

"I'M IMMORTAL, PETER!"

"-You're not fucking immortal, Tony-"

"-Doesn't mean you can just-"

"-Neither are you, Captain gets-shot-all-the-time-"

"You can come with me-"

"You spend more time in the hospital than you do here-"

"I'm not going to Russia-"

"That's bullshit, Steve, I'm here all the goddamned time anymore-"

"I have to go-"

"You go all the time!"

"Not for me, for the-"

"You are not fucking going to-"

"SHUT UP! EVERYONE!" Natasha said in her most authoritative voice.

They all shut up.

"And a hush falls over the crowd. One at a time. Wade, you're not going to Russia for three months. Peter, he might end up having to go to Russia, it happens. Wade, if you don't start texting Peter every day, I'm going to cut off your ears. Tony, Steve- Shut up."

"But he-" Steve started.

"Did I tell you to speak? No, I did not. Hush. You're both being ridiculous. Stop using the kids as a reason to fight. Neither of you is responsible, stable, or sleeping around. Neither of you has a house in Russia either, so I don't even know what-"

"Steve think I own whorehouses on every continent."

"If you don't own them, you sure know where to find them."

"Shut up, both of you! You're all being children."

There was a pause in which Natasha realized Clint was still doing toe-touches.

"What in God's name is he doing?"

"He wants to be more 'bendy' so he can fight Matt and Peter," Steve sighed.

"Which I told him not to do," Tony added.

"Why does he wanna fight me?"

"You're Spiderman, Peter, you're the 'bendy'-est superhero there is."

"You would know."

"Okay, and shut up, I'm leaving, Bruce," Tony walked out of the kitchen and gestured at his friend. "We have a thing, let's go before someone dies and I get sued."

"Good plan. Bye everyone," Bruce said as he and Tony dashed out. Steve was glowering. Peter and Wade were signing things at each other over Clint's hunched back. Bucky was standing in the living room with Loki over his shoulder.

"I'm not sure if this is important to anyone, but the God of mischief over here drank some stuff from Bruce's lab and started saying all kinds of crazy shit, and then he passed out." Bucky shrugged. He set Loki down on the couch.

"What was he saying?" Steve asked.

"Stuff about Fury, mostly. Bruce said that it was a- Something, and when he woke up he would be fine."

"Bruce gave it to him on purpose?"

"Yeah, I think so. I don't know. I was told to carry him down here and not tell- Oh. Well. Whoops."

"What did he say about Fury?" Wade asked.

"He just kept trying to tell me stuff about my brains, and my codes, and stuff about something called Greenpeak-"

Natasha whipped around at that. Matt leapt off the coffee table.

"What did he say?" Matt asked, at the same time Natasha asked "What about Greenpeak?"

Bucky was about to answer when FRIDAY came over the PA system.

"Foggy Nelson is at the front door."

The room was silent for thirty seconds, and then Foggy started knocking.

"Let him in, FRIDAY," Peter called from the kitchen where he and Wade had wisely chosen to stay. Bucky quietly joined them, as did Steve.

The front door opened slowly as Matt and Natasha furiously whispered at each other, Matt trying to get her to hide him. Foggy walked in.

"You piece of shit," he said, face terrifyingly neutral, as he approached Matt.

Wade laughed out loud, and was quickly stifled by Peter's elbow and a hiss.

"I can explain," Matt replied, calmly, stepping away from Natasha.

"Who are those two?" Bucky whispered to Clint, who was still bent over.

Clint stood up, looked around, and shrugged before sticking his hearing aids back in.

"What?" He asked.

"You may wanna take those back out," Steve muttered. "This is going to be torture."