Avengers Texts

The One Where Everything Is Explained And No One Is Confused

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"Clint," Sam said without turning from the fridge as the archer crept up behind him, attempting to be sneaky.

"Dammit!" He stomped a foot and poked Sam in the back. "I was so quiet!"

"I saw your reflection on the toaster."

"Fucking toaster! Damn you, shiny kitchen appliance!"

"I want toast, but, like, I can't remember if this is the one that Loki spring loaded, or the one Bruce made shoot acid, or if it's the broken one."

"Why can we not keep a toaster alive in this house?" Clint asked incredulously, pushing up onto the counter.

"Because, science," Sam offered as an explanation as he shut the fridge and placed a box of cereal on the table.

"Was that in the fridge?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I'm not sure."

"Wanna eat it?"

"If someone's putting cereal in the fridge, it's probably some kind of dangerous toaster-like experiment."

"True."

"..."

"Wanna eat it?"

"Yeah, okay."

"HAVE YOU TWO SEEN TONY?" Steve hollered as he walked up from the lab. Clint suppressed a snicker.

"Uh, no?" Sam threw a piece of cold cereal at Clint, which he caught in his mouth.

"Well if you see him, tell him I'm looking for him," Steve growled and then stormed up the stairs without waiting for a response.

"Couldn't he just, like, call Tony?" Clint questioned before catching another piece of cereal.

"Probably. But this is more dramatic, and Cap is a dramatic man." Sam hopped onto the kitchen island across from Clint.

"Why are they fighting anywa- Ow! My eye! Aim for my mouth, not my seeing balls!"

"Your seeing balls?"

"Yes, that is what I call them."

"Okay, weirdo."

"But really. Why are they fighting?"

"Okay, well, I'm not sure exactly, but Tony is spending a lot of time helping Johnny-"

"The human torch guy?"

"-Yeah, and also he's at the hospital a lot, and like, you know how he and Steve argue, and Tony made the mistake of bringing up how he was probably going to need to go to Brazil for like a week-"

"Why does he need to go to Brazil?"

"-I don't know, okay? Me fode com o punho. But he has to go, I think maybe it has something to do with, like, a metal? I'm not sure. Fury had put it in one of our briefings and then redacted it and gave a different file to just Tony. And I think Natasha and Matt were supposed to be in Brazil, before that whole mess-"

"What mess?"

"Jesus, do you even live here?! Matt and her were down there for a while undercover and then Fury pulled Natasha out so they just killed her cover, and then Matt was supposed to leave and then go back after a while but Foggy found out and his cover is sort of wanted by the police I think, so the mission is basically blown. Also, Natasha told Maria to go with May because it would be safer, which was a total lie but whatever, weird spies and their weird ideas about protecting people."