Avengers Texts

Tony to Wade

"Wade!"

"Tony? Where are you, it sounds loud." Peter rustled beside Wade and whispered 'Is that my dad?'

"Yeah! We're at the diner and there's a ballet fight and whipped cream! Come eat waffles with us, please?" A few people whooped and Sam hollered 'Team WAFFLES, fuckers!'

"Hella! Where you guys at?"

"Next to the- Rhodey, Rhodey come here. Come back. We're next to the Chinese place."

"The mafia place?"

"Shhhhh! They might hear you!"

"Tony-"

"Oh, wait. They're not here." Tony snickered and Rhodey took the phone from him.

"Hello, Wade."

"Hello, person whose voice I've never heard."

"It's- Iron Patriot, man, we've met before!"

"I'm kidding. What's up?"

"I'm babysitting drunk and sugar-high superpeople. There's a lot going on. Your presence has been requested."

"Aww, well I'm sure..." Peter elbowed him and hissed something. "Uh, actually, we can't. We have plans. Like, we just got home."

"How did you just get home?!" Clint exclaimed.

"Am I on speaker? Hi, everyone."

"Hi, Wade!" Said the chorus of super-idiots.

"Hello, Wade Wilson!" Thor boomed.

"Hey, Thor. Do you know how long it takes to drive back here from Manhattan? Not everyone has a jet."

"Oh, yeah!" Tony snickered. "Sorry."

"It's fine, but, Peter..."

"Fuck Peter! Come watch ballet!" Natasha demanded.

"... Maybe for a few- Hey!"

"Hello, everyone," Peter deadpanned.

"Hey Peter!" They cheered again.

"Why can't you come have fun with us?" Tony pouted. "You're so mean."

"I see you, like, every other day, Tony, and I just got un-kidnapped-"

"You let him get kidnapped?!" Pepper screeched.

"It was only for a few- Just come eat waffles with us!"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You wanna know why, dad? Really?"

"Yes."

"Uh, Tony-" Steve tried to interrupt, sensing Peter's tone.

"No, Steve, I wanna know why he's being such a buzzkill. I didn't raise you to be a buzzkill young man."

"Yeah!" Bruce slurred.

"Steve got Bruce drunk." Clint accused.

"I did not! You did that!"

"Oh yeah," he snickered.

"Why can't you just come down here!" Tony whined.

"Because, oh dear, sweet, loving father of mine, me and Wade are gonna be having sex. That's why. We don't have time for your ballet and your waffles because we're gonna be going at it. Hard."

"Ha! That's my boy!" Natasha cheered. "Be good to him, Wade!"

"I don't like this phone call anymore," Steve complained.

"Why would you say that to me?!" Tony groaned. "I don't wanna hear that!"

"You asked! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a leather collar and some whipped cream to collect!"

"No! No, wait-"