Avengers Texts

The One Where They Jump Off A Jet

"Was that convincing?" Wade demanded as soon as Peter's voicemail cut off. Tony rolled his eyes and shrugged. "Nat?"

"You did great, champ," Natasha called from up in the cabin of the jet.

"I don't understand why you called again at all," Tony said.

"Because I've been calling and leaving voicemails, like, every ten minutes, so if I just stopped it would be weird. And also because I wanted to hear his voicemail again. And so that he'll know we got the message, because of lemon jello."

"Fine. But just so you know, I still don't approve of all this," Tony waved an arm. "You dating Peter business. It's against my fatherly ethics code."

"What's with all the hand waving lately, old man?"

"Steve does it. Dumb old grandpa making me weird like he is."

"He is a grandpa. He's like, a hundred."

"96, actually."

"Wow, my apologies."

Tony put his helmet back on and the jet was silent save for the sound of Wade's foot hitting the floor as he bounced his leg. After three minutes, Tony groaned and took off his helmet again.

"Wade, I swear to God."

"Leave him alone, Tony," Natasha called.

"I can't help it! I'm all anxious," Wade exhaled deeply and glanced out one of the windows. "What if he's dead, and they're just making us think he's alive so that we'll look for him and then they'll kill us too."

"He isn't dead."

"But what if he is? What if we get there, like, two minutes too late, and he's dead, and there's nothing I ca- We, nothing we can do, and he's just dead."

"You're actually upset about this, aren't you?" Tony asked, bewildered.

"Of course I am! What's wrong with you?!"

"I just- Okay. Wow. I thought you'd be used to this by now."

"Used to what? Wanting to blow my brains out?"

"Well, that, obviously, but also, we're superheroes. This is par for the course in our line of work."

"Okay, one, I am so honored that you just included me in the collective 'we', and two, it's not that I don't worry a lot, because sometimes I do, but mostly I'm just ready for whatever. I like to roll with the punches. Which is fun because a lot of times they involve, like, laser sharks or something. But back to the point, Peter's a real good guy, like, a real superhero, and usually I date not-so-superheroes, and now I'm responsible for someone who's way better than me and if he gets eaten alive by a giant mothman I will kill myself."

"You are so cute," Natasha laughed. "Peter rambles like that too."

"Because he does it," Wade pointed at Tony. "It's like a disease. It's spreading. You're gonna start doing it too, you better watch out."

"Steve started doing it the other day," Tony nodded in agreement. "And Clint does it, but his is more of a lazy thing, like he just drawls through his paragraphs."

"Watch how you talk about Barton," Natasha warned. "And we're dropping off soon. You got a parachute, Wilson?"

"Yeah. Are we just gonna abandon this jet?"

"It's programmed to head back to SHIELD once we get off," she flipped a switch and walked past Wade, grabbing a parachute off the wall.

"Self-driving jet. I love being an Avenger," Wade fist pumped. "Are these working parachutes? Because I've jumped off planes without parachutes before and it always ends uncomfortably."

"Of course they're- Why would we keep broken parachutes on the jet?"

"I don't know! Fury's- Weird, lately."

"Right?!" Tony twirled his finger by his head. "What is with that?"

"He's probably becoming one of those weird old bald guys. Ten bucks says he buys a parrot by next month."

"Fifteen says snake. Get ready to jump," Natasha opened the paddock and rolled her shoulders.

"She does that to look cool," Wade whispered. Tony nodded.

"Damn right I do."

She swan dived off the plane, and Wade whistled.

"Fucking graceful."

"Your turn, Wilson," Tony nudged him. Wade walked up to the edge, turned to face Tony, and jumped off while saluting.

"Did he just jump off backwards?" Natasha's voice crackled through the comms.

"Yep," Tony responded. "He's probably gonna die. I'm heading off."

"Roger."

Tony flew off the edge and looked around for Wade.

"You got eyes on him, Stark?"

"No. Dammit, if he really is dead, Peter is gonna be pissed."

"Hey guys!" Wade said nervously. "I think I left the stove on at the house."

"You did not, and open your chute."

"Okay. Cool."

"How did you find time to draw a penis on your parachute?" Tony sighed.

"I did it to Natasha's too," Wade snickered.

Sure enough, when Natasha pulled her cord, there was a slightly uneven cartoon penis on her chute, rippling in the wind a few feet below Wade.

"I'm snapchatting this to Sam," Tony said as his visor obligingly took the photo.

"Tell him I said hi!" Wade squealed.

"Tell him to keep Clint out of trouble," Natasha scoffed.

"That's a lot to ask of the man, Natasha."

"Yeah, you're right."

Wade snickered.

"What's so funny?"

"Tell him that metal arms shouldn't be used as buttplugs."

Natasha and Tony cackled.