ateez family au

o19

Soft silence engulfed the couple in their bedroom. The curtains were closed, no light found its way into the big room, it was lit up by scented candles, filling the room with a relaxing smell.

It was summer but Hongjoong felt like freezing. He had just woken up but all he wanted to do was to sleep again. There was so much he wanted to say but nothing came out.

But Seonghwa didn't mind, not at all. He knew that if he felt the strength to talk, he would. So, all he did was making him feel safe, letting him dive into his zone until he felt better, stronger. Hongjoong was cuddled up by his side, wrapped in a blanket, one arm slung around Seonghwa, one resting on his chest, his head laying just above his heart. Seonghwa placed small kisses on Hongjoong's crown, his arm always protectively holding him.

"I feel empty" he whispered "sometimes I feel so empty again... I... I did take this break to spent time with you... But I feel like it's coming back and it's worse and I don't know what to do. I can't to anything anymore. I can't write, I can't compose, nor can I think of anything... New. There is nothing... I feel empty."
Seonghwa sighed, taking in what his husband had just told him. He had known, he had made a guess.
"What if that's it? I feel like I'm in a deep dark tunel, there is no light, I can't go back, I can't go forward. It feels like someone took away my passion, my lust, my strength... I can't write, the last thing I've written was change for the album. It's like I'm blocked. I can't do anything... I will disappoint the fans, my parents, your parents. I will disappoint Yonghwan, I will disspoint the kids, I will disappoint you... Tell me what to do, Seonghwa. I don't want this. I can't, I feel trapped. Help me, Seonghwa. Please. Tell me what to do" Hongjoong finished, totally out of breath as he was ranting down everything. He had no energy left now, confessing had wringed him out. It was devouring him from inside. In his eyes it had already won, in his eyes, he had long lost the fight and was now useless.

"you will never disappoint anyone, Hongjoong" Seonghwa softly said. "It's okay to feel that way, it's okay to do nothing for a while. It's okay to be tired. You have worked so hard, so well, it's okay to be wringed out, Hongjoong" he spoke, not once changing his tone. He had feared that this would come but he knew one day it would get to them. Hongjoong had a similar experience a couple years ago, back then he was able to fight it alone. Now it seemed way harder, stronger. Seonghwa's heart was aching. He couldn't do more than be here for him, listen to him, hold him. "there is no way that you could disspoint anyone, we all love you in any state. And if, and if the world leaves, the kids and I will always love you. It's okay, love. It's okay to ask for help once a while. It's okay"

Again it was silence what filled the room, again only breathing was heard. But in reality, it was so loud in that bedroom. There were unspoken things being yelled in silence. Things either one couldn't say or express in words. But they didn't need to. In all the time they had known each other they had learned what the others silent words meant. They had fought enough wars to know them by memory. Understanding was what their relationship was based on. Understanding and trust.

"I don't want this... It hurts so much..."

"I know love, I know"

~

"Ahh! No!" Wooyoung whined before standing up and sitting right between Yeosang and San. Sometimes, just sometimes the boy had a problem with the twins being close. Sometimes he was jealous that Yeosang preferred San over him, sometimes that San preferred Yeosang. For outsiders, it was funny to watch the two year old get between them because it was always like that. Not the other way around. Yeosang was the silent jealous one and rarely got jealous anyway but San in comparison was more active and verbal when jealous. But then, Wooyoung didn't care much.

Yeosang rolled his eyes, shifted a little to the side so his brother could fit between them. The little boy had a smile of triumph on his lips, making the olders's curl in a dumb smile. He always did that. Never let him and his twin have their own thing and got in between but somehow managed to make him smile. Yeosang found Wooyoung funny, he liked the way the boy got pouty when things didn't go his way. He was amazed by how he in the end got what he wanted the one or other way. Perks of being one of the youngest.

San didn't care much, be loved all his brothers the exact same way. And when Wooyoung would get jealous again he felt the urge to shower him with attention and affection. Oh how much the toddler loved that. Not a single second after Wooyoung had sat down in between the two, San had slung an arm around him.

"I want cuddles too" Mingi pouted, unbothered decided to join the two sitting across from him.

In the other hand Yonghwan sighed deeply. He had actually planned to play a game with them, to keep them busy but it seemed like the boys more or less didn't really care what he told them. He couldn't complain though, at least they were kept busy and he didn't have to deal with bored whines.

~

"Uncle, Jongho is eating your vinyls"

"What the fuck Jongho-"

"I may or may have not broke your couch... whoopsiee"

-
Hey! How are you doing? Hope y'all are well and healthy on all levels.

Ahh yes, Yonghwan loves the kids so much xD

It is a real dark place, isn't it? Sometimes you can help yourself, sometimes it hurts to have to help yourself. At times, talking helps, writing helps. I know it's easy to say and how hard it actually is to speak up. Know that you're never alone with something, even if it seems like this world has turned its back on you, hey, then I am here for you.

I am, I always have an open ear for everyone for everything.

We are all human, we are meant to make mistakes, meant to feel different. It's okay to be somewhere dark, it's okay to not be fine. You are human, I am human, what makes us human is feeling, and sometimes we feel a little sad, a little empty and that's okay. You don't have to force yourself to feel something different, to be different. It's okay to be who you are, to feel what you feel. It's fine.

And to whoever needs to hear this today, you can do it, I believe in you, I'm proud of what you have done, I do love you and appreciate you're here breathing.

Please stay healthy and safe

-gulkurusubb