If Ever (COMPLETED - EDITING)

Chapter 5 - Ella

I looked a bit like death and I felt like it too. My mouth was bitter and tasted like shit. Yuck! I showered but was sure I still smelled like beer regardless of the extra scrubbing, I brushed my teeth twice and slung my backpack over my shoulder.

I trudged down the strais to Mel looking equally screwed, "Welcome to your first hangover." She said with a slight smile. "I wudda thrown you a party but I'm late for work." I gave a sarcastic smile and face planted on the couch.

"Just shoot me." I groaned. Owen looked chipper and laughed at both of us, calling us light weights.

"Here," Mel said shoving some aspirin in my hands with a tall glass of water, "you'll feel better. And there's a coffee mug to go. Last night was fun, Elle. I wouldn't change it for the world." She gave my head a kiss, and practically ran out the house. I had flinched. But she didn't see my face.

"Do you want me to drive you today?" Owen asked, looking at me, I nodded, gratefully. Maybe I was still drunk. Who knew. The events of last night came flashing back to me during the car ride. Mel and I had laughed, giggled. I had spoken to her about my day and I had managed to bring up Mare which I never did.

Maybe speaking in group had given me a bit of confidence to talk to them. But I wouldn't have said a word it wasn't for Kai Walker. The thought was stuck in my head. But like everyone kept telling me, time. Everything took time.

Maybe, if I told myself that often enough, I would start believing it. I sipped my coffee. The holes I had for David and Ce would never be filled, I just couldn't, the flames, the heat of the fire, the screaming. I still heard the screaming today. Even when I was wide awake let alone at night when I couldn't do anything to keep them at bay.

Owen kept the ride quiet, he fidgeted on the car radio, static poured through with updates of crimes in the city. He turned it off.

"Sorry, I know that's a morbid way to start your day." I didn't mind, I was too busy thinking. "It's alright, I have a ton going on in my head." I said, he looked at me from the corner of his eyes.

"What's changed, Elle? You haven't said a word to us in 7 months." It was a fair question. He was a cop and hence over perceptive. I sighed.

To be honest, I didn't know what had changed. Maybe it was seeing Mare get better, maybe it was finding out that she was making a better effort at this than I was. Maybe it was opening my mouth and finally admitting out loud that almost all of my family was gone. Maybe it was the anger that had finally bubbled to the surface, kick started because of Kai. Maybe it was because I had been so brazenly angry that I couldn't hold it in any longer. I had made a solo trek to an unknown trail to release everything I had been holding in for 23 years.

"I really, couldn't tell you. Yesterday was a strange day." I said in response.

"Does it have anything to do with the boy you're so angry with and not angry with? That you might like but don't like?" He asked slyly. He was smiling.

"What? No!" I think I protested too hard. "He's a giant douche and a complete asshole." I said. Owen smiled wider. Then knowing he deserved a better answer, I said, "Maybe it was me seeing Mare make the effort, and I wanted to be as brave as her. Part of me wants to forget the Stella from before, and start looking at who I want to be. You know mum and dad just used me for everything, do this, be this, act like this, date this boy, forgive said boy even though he cheated on you. I don't want to be that anymore. I just want to be me, but I don't know who that is yet. I don't know how to get there."

Owen nodded; a sadness had crept up into his eyes.

"Thank you for paying for Mare's hospital, I don't know what we would have done otherwise. I never said it but thanks." I said. Surprise flitted across his face.