If Ever (COMPLETED - EDITING)

Chapter 23 Ella

Ella

He loved me. Those little words were all I could think off. I stood under the hot shower. I felt like shit for wrecking his house but he asked me not to bother and Rosa, his estate manager had seen worse and would sort it out. I didn't doubt that. Not after he told me about his life. I was numb hearing this happen to him. No wonder he had anger issues.

I didn't know, couldn't understand why I had told him everything I had. I hadn't even told Mare about all of it. I think she assumed a bit but I hadn't told her. It was like everyone knew what was happening to me but no one could stop it, or stepped in to stop it.

But, I had told him, the one person I thought would panic at the revelation of me being worse than any woman he had slept with. I was so sure he would run, but here he was telling me he loved me and that nothing was going to change that. We could be fucked up together. I didn't understand this feeling. This strange acceptance. How was he ok with who I was? I knew he was angry, but not at me. How could he even exist? I didn't get it.

I stood in there till the water ran cold and finally stepped out in a towel. Drying my hair with another since, he didn't have a blow dryer.

Kai was in bed, on his phone that chimed every three seconds. He looked up, "as enticing as this is, my love, I don't think having a go tonight is a good idea."

I nodded, relieved. "Don't bite your lip, Ella." I dropped the lip and the towel and pulled on the shirt he'd left for me on the bed, I didn't bother with the sweats. He turned his phone over and put it away. I still could not believe he still wanted me here. This was the most surreal feeling.

"You're going to get cold, babe." He said, pulling me so close and wrapping me in his arms, and covering me up till the only thing visible was half my face. "I have my very own personal heater." He smiled, kissing my lips, a soft chaste kiss. He ran his hands across my body and it was bliss; it was more for comfort than it was sexual. He finally settled on hugging me. His iron arms around me. We just stared at each other for the longest time.

Why was I still here? Why did he still want me here? I wasn't sure at all. Should I leave? Maybe then he could just get on with his life and not have to deal with my shit. He was still looking at me.

"Kai?"

"Yeah babe." I struggled to get the words out. But I had to give him an out. I would be heart broken but I didn't want him to have to deal with this. And that wasn't even all of it. But I had had enough for one day, I couldn't say anymore. Or I would just lose my mind.

"It's.... It's ok if you... if you don't want this anymore. I know it's too much and I don't want you to have to deal with this. I'm sorry. If you don't wan.." He didn't let me finish. He just crushed his lips to mine, shutting me up. My relief was apparent but the guilt stayed. He pulled me closer, I was almost sleeping on him and we stayed like that for a bit. I would never get enough of this feeling of just being with him.

"That's not going to happen, baby. Ok. Stop apologising. I told you I loved you, and nothing is going to change that. Ok?" He said between kisses.

"I know, and I love you, Kai. But doesn't mean you have to stay. Doesn't mean we have to do this." He pulled back studying my face. I wasn't sure what he was looking for. I put my hand on his face and brushed my fingers over his stubble.

"I'm not here because I have to be, Ella, I'm still here because I want to be. What are you saying, babe? Do you not want this? Do you want to leave me?" He sounded hurt and in a slight panic at that last bit.

Fuck. I should. I didn't want to but I should. It was the right thing to do, for him. But I was also in love with him. I didn't want to let go either. Maybe just for once, I could be selfish. Maybe just for once I could have what I wanted. And he was the only thing I wanted.