If Ever (COMPLETED - EDITING)

Chapter 10 - Ella

Ella

I walked in the door to suggestive smiles from both Mel and Owen, I knew my face was beet red, "Shut up." I shook my head, going straight back to my room. I wasn't having this conversation with them.

I threw my bag and jacket on the floor, and face planted on the bed with a smile. Last night had been anything but what I expected. It had been the happiest I'd ever been in- I couldn't remember how long and it was because of Kai. He had stopped my night terror, I think I was still in shock at that. I hadn't screamed from being touched by him. I was able to be touched without having a panic attack. Shit. I'd slept with him. Oh god. I could feel my cheeks heat just thinking about it. I just wanted to kiss him. He was too hot for his own good. How had that happened without me melting down?

I had never, ever had that. Was it only because it was him, and I'd had a bit of a crush on him. Because I had flinched with Troy and Jasper touched me. It had taken me almost a year to let someone touch me. Let alone have sex with me without any of my issues resurfacing. How had that happened?

Was it because I knew he was in group too? And we were both a bit fucked up? I didn't get it and I had no one to talk to about it. I had even flinched when Troy touched me. So this had to be all him for some reason. Something about him eased my nerves. Something about me in his arms made me feel like I was going to be ok and nothing could hurt me while I was there. I had let him hold me after my night terror. It felt so good to be crushed in his arms. I felt safe for the first time in my fucking life.

Now, I was back, and I knew I wouldn't ever feel safety like that again. I was going to go back to being the same old scared me. Afraid of everything. But I didn't want to think about that now. I just wanted to remember the feeling of being with him. He had dissipated my numbness in one evening. Yes, it was an emotionally trying evening, but I wasn't numb, I had actually felt something. Whatever this range of feelings were, I had felt them all, from joy to anger to anxiety and freedom.

I remembered every smile, every touch and kiss and word. Last night was enough for me. I hadn't laughed in years. It had taken him 2 seconds to make that happen. I decided while his arm was curled around me, that I didn't want anything more from him. To be honest I would have loved to have more, but I knew he wasn't capable of more. But why would I want more with him, why would I put him through my fucked up shit.

I kept calling him a man whore, was I so different. I had reamed out Nicole for being a tramp, what did that make me? It just wasn't who he was from what I'd heard about him. And I was who I was and he deserved better than me.

I had woken up at 7, kissed his perfect, beautiful battered face one last time, put the pot on, left a note and called an Uber.

I knew it meant nothing to him, I was just another pea in a pod of women that had slept with him. But it meant he didn't hate me and he was the only person who put a smile the size of a city on my face. I couldn't stop blushing from thinking about him and everything we did. I would savor every minute knowing it would never happen again. And maybe the remnants of  my numbness wouldn't linger at the thought of him. Even if he wasn't around.

I decided to get a nap, I'd slept well, just not long enough. We had kissed for ever. And he had kissed my back. And he promised more questions, I smiled. It could have been out of pity, or he was still drunk, I wondered what he meant by that. But I simply didn't care.

I would go see Mare in the afternoon and maybe, just maybe get a drink with Mel. I was feeling alive and very unlike myself. It hit me like a slap to the face, there was no one now, that could tell me what and how I should be.

He would never know what he had done for me. I felt free for the first time in my life. And I owed that to him.

Mel poked her head in the door, "sooooo..." She said, I turned, "I didn't get enough sleep last night." I smiled. Mel's mouth popped opened in a big O.