If Ever (COMPLETED - EDITING)

Chapter 86 - Kai

I got in the front door. I was only slightly tipsy. I would be ok to carry her up. I knew in a second something was very wrong. What the fuck. There were papers everywhere, the coffee table had moved, I panicked, I kicked the door shut and went straight to the couch. Ella was asleep crouched in a small ball, face buried into the cushion. Oh no.

I knew instantly I shouldn't have left her. I picked up the papers, there was some music written on them some of them were crushed and others had big blotches of ink. She'd cried onto them. Oh god. No.

She'd had a meltdown. I turned her over gently to face me calling her name but she was out cold because of the meds, she'd been crying the whole evening. Her eyes were all puffy and her lips were swollen. Was this why she sent me out? She needed to let out whatever she was holding in. She was too calm, she kept saying she was fine when she was anything but. Fucking hell. And I wasn't here to help or do anything.

I knew part of whatever this was, was guilt over me dealing with her shit. I just knew it in my bones. She thought she put too much on me, she felt like crap about it and she had to come to terms with losing over half a year in time right after we'd gotten married. She had to deal with the fact that she had been shot and beaten up, suffered severe trauma to the head and was in a coma for months. And I hadn't been here.

I sat with my head in my hands crouched by her side. I wanted to shake her awake and hug and kiss her and tell her it was fine. I would deal with anything she threw my way. She needed to stop blaming herself for me being a fucking wreck. Fucking Damn it. But to be fair to me I had sat next to my almost dead wife for 5 months. Wondering what I would do if she never woke up.

I was also trying to cope as best I could. I tried not to show it but I punched and kicked the fuck out of a punching bag most evenings before she got to the gym or when she was asleep.

I hope she'd gotten it all out her system, I was glad she was still on the couch and not outside somewhere in a fucking field of grass. I knew she wanted to trash the house but she didn't have the energy to. She had probably kicked the coffee table it had moved a few inches.

How could I possibly explain to her she was worth all of this when she thought she was nothing?

I sat there for an hour. In the end I decided it was fine, she had let it out and it was fine. Maybe being away from here would make her feel like she was worth something even if she didn't feel it now. How could she when everyone here took her for granted and treated her like shit, like she was fucking chattel and like she fucking owed them. 

She had spend her entire life being told she belonged to her parents and had no control over her own life or herself. They treated her like fucking property they owned. It wouldn't matter how many times I told her she was worth it, she had to come to terms with it herself. She had to be the one that believed it in the end. But I would tell her nonetheless and she would either believe it or not, but she wasn't going to get rid of me because she felt bad for me. That was never going to happen. There was no way in hell I was letting go of her. Regardless of how she felt.

I picked her up kissing her face and took her upstairs. I laid her down on the bed. I needed a shower. I needed to wash all this shit off. As much fun as it was hanging with the guys, at the back of my mind, all I could think about was if she was ok. And she wasn't and I needed her to know that was ok. It was ok for her to feel like she wasn't alright. She didn't need to act normal for me like everything was fine. 

She had been through too much for anything to be normal anymore, she was coping but this place was all wrong for her. She would never move on here. She had too many memories and too many people to remind her of shit and treat her like shit. I wanted to cuss the shit out of Mare. Her sister had literally saved her life and taken two bullets for her and she was a huge bitch about it. So she cried a few tears, big fucking deal.