If Ever (COMPLETED - EDITING)

Chapter 66 - Ella/Kai

Ella

Kai's scan was fine and finally got his ok to drive, he was ecstatic. We needed to go to the DMV tomorrow to get his license changed back with the doctor's letter of ok. I prayed he wouldn't ask to go buy a car. He hadn't.

The rest of our day passed easily but in a blur of nothingness for me, luckily, Rosa was in to cook us some real food. Kai probably called her. She only hugged me tight and braided my hair while i sat down on the couch. We didn't talk about Norway, or at least I didn't bring it up. He was serious. He would leave with me. I couldn't put in words what that meant to me. But I guess he needed time here to sort out work and other stuff, it's why I had suggested waiting a year. I would have been happy to leave tomorrow. I barely said a word that day. He didn't push. He knew I didn't want to talk or couldn't. It was just one of those days. I hadn't had one in a while but I couldn't deal today. I stayed on the couch for most of the day being a zombie.

I didn't know what we would need to move there permanently. But I guess Kai would figure it all out. He always did, technically Smith would. I had decided to not go this week for Mare's surgery just because she was being appalling and she'd said some real nasty shit. And I was upset as hell at the way she talked about me behind my back. And the things she had said to Kai. I knew he wouldn't really stop me if I insisted, but he would throw a fit that I knew. And I didn't need him upset on his birthday. But also, I needed her to hear what he'd said and she was very wrong. He would always come first. So, I decided I wouldn't undermine him.

He was right, I didn't need to forgive shit. And I hadn't done anything that required forgiving. She hadn't once said she was sorry. I didn't think she would ever be capable. So, I let it go. We didn't bring it up and I was happy to not have to think about it, last night had really messed with my head and it had carried forward today. I had sat out in that field thinking I would cry myself to sleep and hoping Kai wouldn't hear me. But no tears came. Maybe there were none left. I had felt empty. I had nothing more to give. No more sadness to feel. Just hollow. Like I was before.

I think he knew that. But he would never push or ask. He just let me sit there staring at the sky promising to go anywhere I wanted and that had been enough for me. Maybe I just needed to know for sure if he would go with me, because I knew I wouldn't be able to make it here. Not anymore. I might be beyond repair. I realised I only woke up for him, and if he let me, I would stay in bed all day and not move. Mare had really done a number on me. She spoke horribly about me to Kai of all people.

Was I really going to make him leave everything behind for me? Yes, I was. I was being selfish but for the very first time. And he was all mine. I was allowed. He told me I was allowed so I'd take it. He spent most of the day in the studio while I laid on the couch like a corpse. Some part of me was excited he would be back at school after forever but I couldn't find it in me to express or show anything.

We ate dinner in front of the tv and he headed back to the studio, he asked me a million times if I was fine. I said it was fine. I was feeling a bit vacant anyway and wouldn't be any real company but I didn't tell him that. I took a long, long shower and went to bed early and felt him climb in later, he hugged me to him, kissing my face. I didn't know what time it was and I didn't open my eyes to check.

I wasn't even entirely asleep, I just couldn't move or be bothered to. I was just glad the damn day was over and dreaded having to do it all over again tomorrow. I just wanted the world to stop. I needed everything to stop moving. I wanted life to end. Maybe deep down I knew this was my heart breaking because of my sister and maybe I would feel better after a few days but I wasn't ok now. I needed an SOS or several SOS's. Kai was smart to take them. I was not ok right now.

Kai

I was glad my scans were fine, even with all the booze the previous night. And thrilled to get my ok to drive again but it was over shadowed by Ella's mood.