If Ever (COMPLETED - EDITING)

Chapter 67 - Ella

I was feeling better, more alive than I had this morning, and it was all him. Firstly, because I got an in-person demonstration of how dirty Kai's brain was and now every damn muscle in my body was fluid and all the stress had leaked out. To be fair I had asked for it over and over and over again. It was like I couldn't get enough of him. After everything, I just needed him, all of him. I needed to know I was alive after feeling dead for an entire day. 

I hadn't had one of these days in so long and I was upset at myself for throwing away any steps I had taken forward because of Mare. I also came to the painful conclusion; it was her that was jealous of me. Not the other way around anymore. She wanted the life I had now. And she didn't care how she upset or hurt me; she wanted something that was mine. She was pissed I had a life. And I couldn't let that fuck me up. Like Sofia. She couldn't cope with the idea that I could be happy without her; and since I said I wouldn't let Sofia come into our lives and ruin it I wasn't going to let Mare do it either.

And also, I had never heard Kai sound unsure, how had I made him feel unsure? I never, ever wanted him to feel like that ever again. Not when it came to me. He was right, things sucked but I had to get up and move. And I couldn't hear him beg me to come back one more time. It had further broken me inside. And that was surprising because I didn't think there was anything left to break. 

It made me realise I wasn't as empty as I thought I was, I wasn't as broken either. I had managed to fix a huge chunk of myself with him to support me over the last 7 months. That thought made me feel loads better. I had done it. I was learning to move on and I wasn't going to let Mare, who knew nothing of my struggles stop me from moving on.

Also, Kai was right, I wasn't alone. I did actually have friends. Kai's friends, but friends nonetheless, that liked me and laughed with me and checked up on me to see if I was ok. I had Owen and Rob. I had more now than I did before. Michelle and I texted on and off and I really did like her. I thought about making a bigger effort with her. I could very easily see us being friends.

I forced myself out of my funk. Kai gave me one SOS and that helped. It only showed how desperate he was to not see me like I was. I didn't want him to feel that helpless, but I was tired of trying. And that was unfair to him. He hadn't stopped trying. I was determined not to fall back into the abyss. But I was still struggling a bit.

He insisted on coming to history with me when we got to school and I made him leave me and go to his class because he had so much to get caught up on. He was not happy. But I promised him a thousand times I was fine and I would call or text if I needed him. All I had today was history and composition. But that was post lunch. I was in his sweats and Rosa had braided my hair while I ate breakfast.

I sat at the usual lunch table on the lawn working out my history paper and notes, I had about an hour till lunch so, I could work that out. Troy was in class and I avoided him like the plague. I sat as far away as possible. Any further and I'd be sitting outside the room. But I wasn't so lucky because he was standing at the table now. I sighed. Why today? Should I text Kai? I didn't think I needed to; it wasn't like Troy would try anything. I hoped. I don't think he knew Kai was back in school today, or he wouldn't be here. He was asking for it now.

"Stella." Weirdly I wasn't panicked or uncomfortable.

"What?" I looked up.

"I wanted to talk to you." He said.

"I'm not sure there is anything for us to talk about, Troy." He sat across me without invitation. "You know your friends humiliated me, right? You slapped me. In front of a bunch of people. And you think we have nothing to talk about?"