If Ever (COMPLETED - EDITING)

Chapter 6 - Ella

Ella

The week went on as it did, I had coffees with Troy. I sat with his friends at lunch, I was finally getting to know other people. Jasper was making a bit of an effort with me. But I just couldn't and kept saying no every time he asked me out to lunch or dinner. I made Mare my sole excuse for avoiding everything. I was a bit more civil at home, I had a few beers with Owen one night, Mel was working late, she worked at an Ad agency.

I hadn't seen Kai the whole week. His stone was on it's slab but he didn't turn up. Maybe he just didn't want to be in the same class as me while I was there. The thought of him not wanting me to come to this party kept nagging me. Did he dislike me that much? He couldn't even be in the same class as me? Or the same sessions of group as me? Because I had not seen him in group either.

I told Mel that Saturday morning.

"A party? In a field? A field party?" Mel was holding her coffee mug and staring at me like I had grown three heads. I nodded a bit nervous. I hadn't told Mel when I first knew about it, I had only decided I would go last night, I really did want to think it through first. 

Why hadn't Kai wanted me there? What the hell did this guy have against me? Why would I trust him, he gave me no reason not to go?! But I had decided to go. Mare wouldn't be home if she was invited to a party. Mare would have gone. 

So, I would go, and try and talk to people and have a drink and relax. It had taken me almost a week to make a decision. I was ashamed of myself. I couldn't wait to tell Mare the next time I saw her, she wouldn't believe me.

But today was the day, "Troy said he would pick me up by 7." I said.

"Is it too much?" I asked her worry etching my face. She shook her head. "No, no, sweetie. I think it's great. Are you okay to go, though?" I knew what she meant. First time for everything right?

"I'll never know if I don't try." I replied. She nodded, "Yeah, but if it feels like too much, if you can't manage, there is no shame in that, alright? Call me or Owen, we'll come to get you." I made a face.

"We wont even come close to the place; we'll hide at a distance so we won't embarrass you. They won't even know we're there to get you." She whispered conspiratorially, I laughed. She smiled. "I know you are so brave for wanting to go and to try a new thing, but I'm feeling like a wreck." She moaned. 

I didn't want to upset her. I was almost going to ask if she wanted me to cancel, but Owen walked in. "You'll be fine sweetheart." He said to his wife. "She needs to do what she needs to do. She can't stay locked away in this house forever. She needs to do things, college things, normal things, like drinking and partying. This is your time, your 20's are meant to be the best time of your life, this is where you get to make all the fucking mistakes you want, Elle." He said winking at me, I think Owen got where I was coming from after our chat.

"Who is this picking you up again?" Owen asked.

"It's Troy, we share a few classes together and he's in my group therapy." I answered. Owen nodded. "Also, it's a bunch of us from class."

"So okay, do you have anything to wear?" Mel asked, and I hadn't even thought of that, it was a party, I shook my head no.

"Well, I'll stick with jeans, because it's a field, but I think I might have to buy a top that's a bit fancy, right?" I asked. Mel nodded. "Oh yes, absolutely. Get dressed, we'll head to the mall."

It was almost 7, trepidation shot through me like an arrow to the heart. I was dressed in simple high waist boyfriend jeans with a tear at the knees and my white converses but I was wearing a tight full  half sleeved black bodysuit that buttoned between my legs, so underwear was a no go, with a white geometric print running up the one side and a denim jacket that had seen better days, but, I guess now looked vintage. I had never worn something like this, was this the fashion theses days? Oh god, I felt like a cave woman. Who hadn't been out to see the world, which technically would be true. I mostly lived in sweats. Going to the mall was an absolute nightmare, my anxiety had rocketed sky high.