If Ever (COMPLETED - EDITING)

Epilogue

Rob and Fred were here two more days. Fred was in the pool. Ella, Rob and I were sipping cold one and talking about their wedding. Ella was planning it with Rob, it was in Munich, where Fred was from. She was sitting on my lap on the couch, with her laptop on her lap. Typing up notes for themes and color combinations and guest lists and stuff.

My phone buzzed, it was my mum.

"Hey mum."

"Kai." The hair on my neck stood. I froze at her voice. Ella looked at me immediately. My mum was crying.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"He's dead." My heart stopped. Oh god. I wasn't sure what to do or say. Ella put away her laptop, her hands were holding my face. She was saying something, but I couldn't hear her. I was paralysed. She took the phone from my hands. She put the call on speaker.

"Sofia, what is it?" She said. She sounded panicked at the look on my face.

"Stella, the prison called, he's dead. He had a heart attack."

"Oh my god. When?"

"This week, they asked me to come and identify his body and to sort out last rights. I can't do it, Stella. I can't." My mum cried.

Oh Fuck. What the fuck. Rob looked shook. My mind was blank. He was fucking dead.

"Ok, I'll go. You don't have to do anything. Ok? It's ok. Rob and I will sort it out. Don't worry, Sofia. You don't ever need to step foot there, alright? Just breathe. You're ok." Ella was saying.

I stared into nothing. He was gone. He was dead. Was I happy? I didn't fucking know how to feel.

Ella was still talking to my mum. Then Rob was on the phone with her. Ella's hands were on my face.

"Kai, look at me, baby. Please. Breathe, sweetheart. Kai." I just hugged her wordlessly. She hugged me back so tight.

"Kai, baby, please, breathe. You're ok. I'm right here. You're ok. I've got you, babe." I don't know how long I held her.

"Let's get you up, baby." I wordlessly let her lead me up and laid down between her legs, half my body on her chest. I hugged her. She just held me back. Kissing my head and telling me to breathe and she was here and I was ok.

She wiped my face at some point, I didn't realise I was crying. I didn't know if they were happy or sad tears. I couldn't speak. I just stayed like that. Ella just held me all night. I don't know when I fell asleep.

At some point I heard Rob and Ella speaking softly. I didn't know what they said. She was still holding me. Just the smell of her was so familiar and comforting. I hugged her tighter and drifted off back to sleep.

I woke up at some point. I was still leaning on Ella. Her arms tightened around me. I looked up and she was looking at me. She looked tired. Had she stayed up all night? I knew the answer. She leaned down and kissed my face. She didn't say anything, she just looked at me. Giving me time.

"I'm ok, baby." I said. "I'm sorry." She kissed me again.

"No baby. You're ok, Kai. There is nothing to apologise for ok?" I nodded. I tugged her to come sleep next to me. She must be exhausted. She crawled in next to me, I pulled her as close as I could. I just looked at her.

"How you feeling, Kai?" She asked so softly, touching my face. My mind flashed to first time she had ever said that and touched my face. After she had patched me up after the bon fire. I smiled. That was when she had kissed me. Fuck. Had it really been that long?

My fucking cockhead fucking father was dead. Fuck.

"I'm ok, my love." I kissed her face. "Ok." She nodded.

"You look tired." I said.

"I'm ok, baby." She said. "Kai, talk to me. Please."

"I'm fine, babe. I'll go sort it out. I don't want you going there ok?" Her eyes were wide.

"No, Kai. Rob and I will sort it out. Ok? You don't need to see him, Kai." She looked so worried for me.

"I do, babe. Ella, I need to fucking see it. I need to fucking be there. I need to know it's fucking done." The anger was back. I hadn't felt this angry in a long fucking time. I knew she knew it was back. But she didn't care if I was angry Kai again. She would be fine with me trashing the house right now. And I wanted to. I wanted to just trash everything.

"What do you want to break?" She asked. Looking at me seriously. I wasn't even surprised she read that so easily on my face.

"Everything." She nodded. "Do you want me to leave you to it? I can ask everyone to leave. I'll put the boys in the studio ok?" I kissed her. "Baby, you know we're not doing this now, right?"

"I know." It was the one rule we had. No sex when we were angry. Cuz if we went down that hole. It would only end in disaster.

"I love you, Kai." She kissed me softly and left.

I did end up trashing most of the house. I knew I would feel like shit after. But I simply didn't care. I just sat in the fucking wreckage for a bit. There was soil and broken chairs and glass everywhere.

Ella came in a while later, she didn't say anything. She just got me up and into the shower to change and get cleaned. She fixed my hands and and all the other scrapes I had. And she gave me a pill and I just went to bed. I woke up the morning after. Ella was in bed with me, fast asleep with her hand on my face. I felt like shit. Even though she didn't care about me losing it. I kissed her awake. She smiled at me.

"Hi."

"Hi baby."

"You ok?"

"I'm ok, my love. Thank you." She kissed me then.

3 days later, we were at the coroners office. Ella clutched my hand. She didn't listen when I told her I didn't want her to see this. She said she needed to. Rob was here also. I had spoken to Mum, she was upset I was going but I told her i needed to. She got it. But she said she couldn't. I said she was fine and not to bother and just forget about all of it.

I said nothing to the officers or doctors or coroner. Ella and Rob sorted out everything. I had told Ella I wasn't going to give him a fucking funeral. I wasn't going to do anything about this. They could do whatever they wanted with what was left. I wasn't going to do anything about his fucking last wishes. I was only here to identify him.

She said ok. So, I guess she and Rob spoke to them about it. They asked if we wanted to know what he left behind and I said no. I didn't. The coroner took us in.

"Yeah, that's him." I said. The coroner nodded and left.

I stood over his fucking lifeless body for 15 whole fucking minutes. Neither of them said anything. I stared at his face and wrinkled skin and greying hair. I didn't know this person. I barely recognised him. I hadn't seen him in 25 years. I realised I had nothing to say. He was already rotting. He wasn't even here. Fuck whoever this was. I realised like Ella, with her parents, I didn't care that he was dead. I was fucking free now. It was fucking done. My nightmare was no longer living or breathing.

Ella looked up at me. I let go of her hand, I put an arm around her and held her to my side, she put an arm around me. I held her tight.

"Let's go home, baby." I said and walked out with her and I didn't fucking look back after.