The Choice (a Painful Past)

32

I chewed my bottom lip nervously, as I wrapped my arms around his neck. His hands rested lightly on my hips.

"And?" He replied, impatiently.

"I'm just not ready, Baby. I'm sorry." I replied, quietly.

He rolled his eyes and let out an annoyed breath.

"Why not? I thought we went over everything and agreed that it was a good idea!" He replied, angrily.

God, I hated confrontation. I hated arguments.

I just wanted people to be happy.

"Will, I know we did! But, I can't help it if I'm not mentally ready to do something that big."

He yanked his hands away from my body and held my gaze. His eyes were hard as stone, and I could see anger brewing in them, too.

"You don't think we'll be together forever? Is that it? You still want to go be with other guys, before you commit to me? Or you don't want to commit at all and it was all a lie?" His words cut straight to my heart.

"No, of course not!" I exclaimed. "I do want to be with you, and only you! I'm just not ready for this. Not yet...but maybe I will be soon. I'm sorry."

"Whatever. It's fine. I guess we'll just sit here and watch a stupid fucking movie again. I'm getting tired of doing the same old thing all the time." He said, turning away from me.

I hated it when he was mad at me, or mad in general. I had gotten into the habit of just staying quiet, until he had cooled off. So, that's what I did then.

We did watch a movie that night, some action film that he had been wanting to see, after we went outside and smoked a blunt together. Then he held out his pack of cigarettes to me. I hadn't smoked since freshman year, because I didn't want to get addicted.

I was beginning to think that I had already been addicted, because that familiar urge came back every time he lit up.

I figured why not? Besides, smoking a menthol, right after weed, enhanced your high. I reached over and took one from the pack.

He passed me his lighter, and I sparked it at the end of my cigarette. I pursed my lips around the end of it, and inhaled deeply. Too deep.

I started coughing so hard, I thought that my throat would rip apart. He patted my back, while I was bent over, unable to speak.

"You know you can't hit it like that, if you don't smoke all the time, babe." He said, with a little laughter in his voice.

I loved it when Will got high. He was such a goofy, fun guy, and he usually showed me so much love.

"Yeah." I choked out, with my voice hoarse. "Guess I shouldn't have done it like that."

"No, you shouldn't have." He laughed.

I smiled and leaned against him.

"I love you." I said, softly.

He turned his head and looked down at me, with a soft smile.

"I love you too." My phone buzzed in my pocket, so I took it out and looked at it. "One of your other boyfriends texting you?" Will asked, jokingly.

"Yeah, the little one," I replied. "You know how I like those younger boys. I am a cougar, after all." I threw my hated nickname out at him, to make a joke of it.

"Right." He replied, wryly. "So, it's the little dude. The one that's in love with you?"

I scoffed and rolled my eyes, before I took another light drag from the cigarette. The menthol smoke burned my throat, and set a slight burning sensation in my chest. My already foggy head started to spin a little.

I had to listen out for my mom to make sure that I didn't get caught smoking. Weed or cigarettes. I didn't want to disappoint her.

She thought so highly of me, and thought that I was such a good kid...I didn't want to take that away from her.

Afterwards, we chilled in the living room and watched a little more tv. Will rubbed his hand up and down my thigh, so I knew what he was expecting. We started a heavy makeout session, while still trying to listen out for my mom.

"See?" He whispered to me, while his hands were pushing me closer to the brink. "I could make you feel so good, if you'd let me."

My brain couldn't process anything, while he was doing what he was doing to me. I bit my lip to keep from crying out and waking my mother.

"You like that, right?" Will asked afterwards.

I nodded and smiled, feeling a sedated haziness.

"So, why won't you let me show you so much more? Come on, Callie. It would be so amazing."

I knew what he was talking about, but I had already said no. I still meant no.

So, why was he still trying, if he knew that I wasn't ready? He was so used to getting his own way.

"I just don't want to take that step, Will. I told you." I replied.

He rolled his eyes again, and let out a heavy breath.

"Alright, whatever. I'm just trying to give you an amazing time, but if that's not what you want, fine." He stood up and looked down at me. "I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette before bed. Do you want one?"

I nodded and stood. "Yeah, thanks." I replied, quietly.

For the next week, I smoked every day with Will. I expected it now. Everyday, after my mother went to bed, we would smoke a blunt, and follow it with a cigarette.

I was smoking cigarettes more now, too. When Will would go outside to smoke, I would tag along, so that I could take a few hits from his cigarette. It became so normal, that I finally stopped at the little store down the road, and bought me a pack of my own.

The owner of the store didn't care if you were underage. He would literally sell anything he had to anyone who wanted it. Probably not a good thing, but we all loved it.

It made it a lot easier to get the things that we would normally have to work a lot harder at to get, like cigarettes and beer. Will had even bought porno magazines from him.

I still tried to talk to Colby every day, without Will knowing. He seemed to get annoyed when he knew that I was talking to him, so I kept it secret so that I didn't have to argue with him. In the back of my mind, I knew that there was something off with our relationship, but I pushed it down and ignored it, like I did everything else.

The weekend of our anniversary rolled around, and I was still waiting to see what Will had planned for us.