The Choice (a Painful Past)

119

Then, suddenly, everything changed.

A memory flashed in my mind, of Will and I having sex. Only, I wasn't happy.

I hadn't wanted to do anything, because I had just found out that he had cheated on me again. I was just doing it to keep him from getting mad. I also had some sort of idea that it would make him remember that I was better than the girl that he cheated with. Or maybe I was trying to convince myself of that.

I didn't know, but I had gone against every screaming bone in my body and let him have his way, while I hid inside my own mind, until it was over. This was wrong. This was all wrong!

Brandon's hands felt like Will's hands, and I felt disgusting and used. His kiss was no longer nice. Instead, it felt too wet and gross.

I tried to move away, but his hands tightened on my waist. I tried to breathe, but the air supply was disappearing, suffocating me. My head had this intense pressure on it, like my brain was caving in on itself. My body threatened to shut down on me, to let Brandon do whatever he wanted, just so it could hurry and be over.

The screaming inside of my head won over my body though. I couldn't breathe, so I jerked away from his lips and shoved him back with my hands on his chest. I hurriedly tried to climb out of his lap, but I slipped and fell onto the floor, instead of onto the other side of the couch.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asked, reaching down to help me.

As soon as his hands touched my skin, I jerked and flinched back from him. He couldn't touch me. No one could touch me.

I couldn't breathe. Oh my God, it was happening again. I hadn't had a panic attack in a long time, since I had started therapy, but this one was bad.

"Fr-friend." I gasped out, meeting his gaze.

I was silently begging him to go get Denise for me. Thankfully, he understood.

"I'll be right back." He replied, then hurried out the door.

I hugged my knees to my chest and lowered my head down. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on disassociating myself from the situation and getting my breathing straight. My chest burned with each gasp of air that managed to get inside them and every inch of my body was shaking.

Hot tears ran down my face, as I hugged myself tighter. I shouldn't be here. I wasn't ready for this.

Maybe I never would be. Maybe I was just supposed to be alone.

"Callie?!" Denise's voice had my head shooting up again.

I saw her rushing into the room, with Bryon and Brandon right behind her.

"Are you okay?" I shook my head, still gasping for breath. "Okay, it's okay, sweetie. You're having another panic attack. One of you go get me a brown bag. Like the kind you put the beer bottles in. Ask the bar." She instructed one of the guys.

Black dots were starting to swim in front of my eyes, and I knew that I was going to pass out soon. I tried to fight it, but I was losing and quickly.

"C-can't." I gasped out, holding her gaze.

"Yes, you can!" She exclaimed, but I could see the worry in her eyes.

I shook my head, as the black dots connected to one another, blocking my vision. The lack of oxygen was taking me down.

Just as Brandon ran back into the room, I lost consciousness. I was lost in the blissful darkness, and I honestly didn't want to come out of it. I had no worries here.

It was like I didn't exist, and nothing mattered anymore. Unfortunately, it ended way too soon.

I heard loud voices and felt people poking and prodding at me. Something tightened on my arm, painfully. Something cool was pressed against my forehead and it felt nice.

I cracked my eyes open, to see what was going on, and saw a man and woman, that I didn't recognize, hovering over me. I shrank back away from them, but then Denise came into view.

"It's okay, Cal. You passed out and we called the ambulance, because you wouldn't wake up. These are just the EMTs. You're gonna be okay now." She whispered, as she placed her hand on my upper arm.

I took a deep breath and noticed how painful it was.

"This one was bad." I croaked.

My throat was so dry. She nodded and held up a bottle of water. I think it was the same one that Brandon had given me earlier.

"Want some?" She asked.

I nodded a little and winced from the massive headache that was trying to hit me.

"Can she sit up?" She asked the EMTs.

"Yeah, she's okay now. Might have a little soreness, but she's okay. It was just an anxiety attack. A pretty severe one, but it's over now. You should take her home and make her get some rest." The guy EMT said.

The lady ripped the blood pressure cuff open and took it off of my arm. They both reached behind me and helped me to sit up. I was so embarrassed.

The door was still standing wide open and everyone who walked by could see me. No one was supposed to be back down this hallway, but that didn't seem to matter anymore.

"I wanna go home." I murmured, lowering my head down.

I didn't want to see anyone's face, especially Brandon. I had spotted him, standing by the desk, but I looked away quickly.

"We'll take you home." Denise said, softly. "I'm gonna get Bryon to bring the car up to the door, so that you don't have to walk that far."

I shook my head slightly. "No, I just want to go."

I started trying to get up, then I felt strong hands on my arms, pulling me up. Once I was on my feet, I turned to look at him. Brandon was standing right behind me, looking nervous as fuck.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, as I looked down again.

"Don't be." He replied, gently. "I'm sorry if I did something wrong, or something that triggered you. I didn't mean to. I thought that-"

"You did nothing wrong." I replied, then looked back up to meet his sad gaze. "I'm just fucked up, I guess. You're a nice guy. So, thanks." I looked away, back to Denise. "I'm ready to go home."

She nodded and hooked her arm into mine, while Bryon got on my other side. He didn't touch me, but he did stay close.