The Choice (a Painful Past)

40

"Okay, and Cal?" He replied.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"I love you." He said, quietly.

I was silent for a moment, pondering if I should answer him or not. In the end, my true feelings won out.

"I love you too, Will. Goodbye." I replied.

I ended the call and slowly lay back down on the couch. I started thinking, and overthinking, everything again.

Was he really too fucked up to know what he was doing? I mean, my sister took some hardcore drugs, so it was possible. She was even there when all of this happened, but she was passed out in her room.

Otherwise, she wouldn't have allowed it. She might've even kicked his and Laura's ass. We may not have always gotten along, but she was still my big sister.

Would I ever be able to trust him again?

Or, would I always have that horrible image in the back of my mind?

Would I ever be able to believe him?

Should I even attempt giving him another chance, or should I just try and forget about him? Move on, and live my life without him. Maybe even move north, with my mom.

What would my life be like then? I really couldn't even imagine it. Besides Will, I didn't want to leave the only home that I had ever known.

Sherri and Colby, either. I couldn't just leave them. They were my people, and honestly, the only real friends that I had.

Sherri always teased me about being so close to Colby.

One day, she asked me a few questions that surprised me. Though, I wasn't sure why. I'm sure that everyone who knew us, wondered the same thing.

"Why do you hang out with someone so young? Doesn't that bother you? Why are you so close to this kid?" She asked.

I thought about it, sitting on her front porch, that day. I stared out at the trees, the woods in front of her house. It was so peaceful out here.

I could hear the birds chirping and the wind blowing the leaves, as it whirled through the woods. I felt at peace out here.

"I don't know." I answered, honestly. "He just...gets me, I guess. I don't think about how old he is. He seems older. More mature than most of the guys I know. I trust him."

Sherri sat quietly, watching me with those inquisitive eyes. "Are you sure there's nothing going on with you guys?"

I had turned to her, with wide eyes. "What?!" I exclaimed, shocked. "Oh my God, NO! How could you even think that? He's too young. That's just...no."

At the time, I had shivered, like it was gross to even think about. It wasn't gross, though. Colby was a really cute kid.

That's what he was. A kid. I know that I'm only two years older than him, and maybe when we were in our thirties, or maybe even our twenties, that wouldn't matter.

Right now, it did. I didn't think about him that way, though. Even after last night, I still didn't think of him that way.

He was my best friend. I don't think that I could ever see him as anything, but that.

"Shit." I muttered to myself.

I had to call him. I had to call and apologize for last night.

My phone buzzed again, this time with a text.

"Fucking mind reader." I whispered, when I saw it was from Colby, himself.

"Hey Cal, how are you feeling this morning? Got that hangover headache? Are you hungry? Would you like me to bring you some greasy fries, with a side of limp greasy bacon? Maybe some runny eggs to add to that, and top it off with cigarette ashes?"

I hated him. I completely hated him. My stomach heaved in protest at what I read.

"You're an ASSHOLE." I texted back.

Another minute passed, then I received another text.

"HAHAHA but seriously, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"

I sighed and smiled.

He was such a sweet kid.

"I'm okay. Got a pretty bad headache, and now my stomach is fucked too. Thanks for that, fucker. Besides, aren't you grounded after last night? Your mom couldn't have been happy about you taking the car and coming home so late."

I set my phone down and slowly got to my feet. I needed some Tylenol and fast. Then I needed a cigarette.

Anything to calm my nerves.

Did I have any weed left? I went to the kitchen and looked in my little cabinet that I used for my medicines. I didn't really understand why people kept their medicine in the bathroom.

I mean, I needed something to drink to take a pill, so the kitchen was more practical. If I had to take something out of a medicine cup, I had to wash it out. So, the kitchen was more practical.

I don't know. Maybe I was just weird. Ha, I was positive that I was weird.

Maybe that's why I couldn't let go of someone after they cheated on me. I kept telling myself that I needed time, and that he would have to prove that he would never treat me like that again. In the darkest parts of myself, I already knew that I was going to take him back. I loved him too much...or maybe I just didn't want to be alone.

Maybe it was both. My brain kept buzzing with all of this, but I kept avoiding it, pushing it away, and ignoring it. I was pretending so well, that even I believed it.

I took my Tylenol, and walked back into the living room to look for my cigarettes. God, please tell me that I didn't smoke them all up last night. I tended to do that, the few times that I had been out drinking.

I had already checked my pockets, so I knew they weren't on me. I didn't recall smoking any after I got home last night, but then again, I didn't recall much about getting home. I scanned the floor, then moved the blanket on the couch, when I didn't see them.

"Yesss!" I breathed out, when I spotted them stuck in between the cushions.

I pulled out the slightly squished red and white box, then turned and sat down on the couch. The first inhale of that morning cigarette was always the best.

I heard a loud vibrating sound, like if it were any louder, something might bust. I looked around frantically, trying to figure it out, until I saw my phone moving on the glass coffee table.

"You dumbass." I said, rolling my eyes at myself.

Everything seemed louder than it usually was this morning.

"Hello?" I said, not bothering to check the caller ID again.

I mean, what was the point now?