The Choice (a Painful Past)

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"So," He said, as he took a bite of his bacon. "Where's Dad?"

I set the juice back in the fridge, then sat down in the chair beside him, with a loud sigh. When we had broken up before, those many, many times, I would usually just tell Ben that Will went to stay with his parents for a while. I guess I somehow knew that I wouldn't be able to let him go.

This time was different.

"Well," I said, unsure of how to begin. "Will and I...we aren't together anymore, baby. He went to live with his parents, but you can still see him sometimes, if you want."

He didn't say anything for a second, then he nodded and smiled at me. "Okay. Hey, can you check me out early today? I mean, it's Friday and we don't have anything important to do. Pleeeaassee?" He begged, giving me those damn blue puppy dog eyes.

"You little brat." I laughed. "Don't use your eyes on me! That's not fair!"

He laughed and attempted to make his eyes even bigger. "Plleeeaasse, Mom!"

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. I guess. You little con-artist." I grumbled, jokingly.

"Yes!" He exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air.

I had to smile at his excitement.

He finished his breakfast, then I began my morning errands. Pick up the other kids, take them to their 3 different schools, come back home, feed all of the animals, inside and outside, clean the litter boxes, take the dogs out, blah, blah, blah. The same exact routine every fucking morning.

It usually took me about 3 hours to finish everything, starting with waking up Ben.

When I was finally finished, I sat down on the couch, and let out a breath.

"Tired, baby?" My mom asked, from where she sat in her recliner.

"I'm okay." I replied. "Are you hungry yet?"

I usually made her breakfast every morning as well, but she wasn't able to stomach anything until later. So, I guess I technically made her lunch, or brunch.

She smiled and shook her head.

"No, not yet. I will take some coffee though, if you don't mind. After you rest a little while. Or, you know, I can go make it myself." She said, as she started to push herself up from the chair.

I jumped up and put my hand on her shoulder, slightly pushing her back down.

"Sit." I commanded, pointing my finger at her. "I got it. I'll be right back."

"But, I can do it." She exclaimed.

"I know." I said, over my shoulder, as I walked to the kitchen. "But, you're not. So, hush."

I glanced back at her, just in time to see her empty water bottle flying at me. I ducked, letting it hit the wall, then laughed and darted into the kitchen. I put the correct amount of water and ground coffee into the pot, then flipped the switch for it to brew.

My brother, Jimmy, would probably want some too, so I made a little extra. I wasn't really a coffee drinker. Instead, I would pop the top on my Monster Energy and down it within the first 30 minutes of me waking up.

While I waited for the coffee to brew, I decided to go ahead and deal with Will's messages. It wasn't like they were going to magically go away. I pressed the message and started to read through all of them.

First, he started out talking about how much he loved me, and how he would do better, how he would change. Then it progressed into accusing me of finding someone else, someone better than him, because he was a piece of shit. And finally, we arrived at the spot that we always did.

He proclaimed that he didn't know how to live without me, and how he didn't want to. He said that he wouldn't be able to stand seeing me with anyone else, but that I deserved someone better than him. Since he wouldn't be able to stand seeing me with someone else, he might as well kill himself.

He was shit, he would always be shit, and everyone would be better off if he were dead. So, if he couldn't have me, then his world was ruined, snatched from him, and he couldn't bear to live this life that he was left with. He did this every single time that we broke up.

I remembered the last time that we had gotten into a fight over something stupid, he talked about how he should just be dead. He said he wished that he had a gun, so that he could just blow his brains out. I was pissed that day, and I had enough.

So, before I knew it, I was screaming at him that I would pull the fucking trigger for him. I regretted it as soon as I said it, but, if I'm being totally honest, I didn't regret it much. I was sick of him using that to manipulate me.

He knew that I always tried to make him feel better about himself, especially when he had one of his episodes, but sometimes, I just couldn't take it. That was the last time that he had threatened to kill himself, until now.

"Will, you've got to stop, okay? This hurts me too. I never wanted it to come to this, but I just can't live this way anymore. I've already told you all of this. As for me seeing someone else, no, I'm not. I told you this already too. I will probably die alone, simply because I will never be able to trust another person. So, you don't have to worry about seeing me with someone else. Meanwhile, you'll find someone else in a couple of weeks, just like you have done before. It's going to be hard for me, so I may not talk to you for a while. I have to get you out of my system, so that I can move on. I'm going to be busy today, so I probably won't be on here much to talk to you and my service on my phone is being cut off for a little while. Can't pay the bill. I'll talk to you some other time." I messaged back.

I read it again, thought about rewording it to add more, then decided not to. I couldn't just keep repeating myself and I had said all I had to say too many times. I hit send and logged out of the app, so that I wouldn't get any notifications.

Mom's coffee was ready, so I grabbed a cup and put in her cream and artificial sweetener, then took it to her.

"Thank you, baby." She said, taking the hot cup from me.

I swear, the woman had bionic hands or something. She actually boiled water to wash dishes in.