The Choice (a Painful Past)

34

A/N: This chapter does discuss what is considered coercion rape. I don't go into too much detail, but I wanted to give this warning, just in case.

I had been standing in front of him, in only my bra and underwear, the entire time.

"This is really sexy." He said, tracing his finger down my shoulder strap, then hooking it under, before it reached the cup.

I had started wearing sexy underwear, after Will had seen my everyday, stained white bra. It wasn't pretty, but it was comfortable. More comfortable than the set I was wearing now.

I couldn't stand thongs, but I was wearing one that matched the sheer, black bra that I had on. You could see my entire breast through the sheer material. I lowered my head, very aware that he was staring at my body.

I didn't like my body, so it made me uncomfortable.

"Hey." He said, gently, as he forced my chin back up, so that I would meet his gaze. "You're beautiful, Callie. You have nothing to be ashamed about." I heard his words, but they couldn't change years of insecurities that had been ingrained into me.

I didn't say anything though, because I knew it would just make him upset. Whenever I talked down about myself, or even laughed when his compliments made me insecure, he would give me a stern look, then start telling me that I was beautiful.

My only thoughts were, if I was as beautiful as he said, then why was he the only one who wanted me? I wished more than anything that it was dark inside my room right then, but it was the middle of the day, and even my curtains couldn't stop the sunlight from streaming inside. He tightened his fingers on my hips, then pressed his lips to mine.

I tried to get lost inside the kiss, like I had hundreds of times before, but my nerves had my brain going nonstop. All I could think about was how I didn't want to do this.

I wasn't ready...but would I ever be? I had to stop acting like a child.

"But you are a child." My subconscious spoke up, inside my head.

I pushed the thought away, and pushed myself harder into the kiss. I could do this and I would do this. I had promised.

Later, while I sat outside and smoked one of the cigarettes that I had stashed away, I thought about what had happened. It had hurt, and pretty badly, but not for too long. Hell, the entire act had only lasted a few minutes, then Will climbed off of me and went to the bathroom.

I sat up, feeling a kind of loss settling into the pit of my stomach.

Was that it?

Was that what everyone made such a big deal about? I had always dreamed about my wedding night being magical and how the act of love would be so amazing, and feel so wonderful. This had been anything, but that.

I mean, it wasn't horrible, but it wasn't anything special. It was just...done. I wasn't a virgin any longer and I wasn't sure how I felt about it.

When Will had asked me how it had been, I had told him that it was wonderful...but then again, I always told him what I thought he wanted to hear. I had to be missing something though.

Did I not do it right? I mean, I hadn't really done much of anything, but lie there. Will had done the rest.

There had been no acts leading up to it, like I had thought there would be. No, we had just crawled into my twin bed, and...well, did it. There was a sharp pain, which I sucked in my breath on and tears had stung my eyes.

He saw them, but he just started going faster, until he was done.

"I told you it wouldn't be so bad." He said, as he put his clothes back on.

I hadn't replied.

"You should wash your sheets before your mom gets home. That'll be hard to explain." He pointed to the blood on my sheets and I cringed.

"Yeah." I replied, softly.

He leaned down to give me a quick kiss.

"Look, I promised Dusty that I would come see him today. Probably gonna stay the night over there. He asked me earlier today, but I'll call you. Love you." He said, as he pulled his shirt on over his head.

I probably should've been upset by that, since we had just shared a really big moment together, but all I felt was relief. I nodded.

"Okay." I said. "Love you too."

He smiled and grabbed his phone, then walked out of my room, closing the door behind him. I sat there for a few moments, still stunned by what had happened. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel after losing my virginity, but this wasn't what I expected.

I just felt sad and lonely. I shook the thoughts from my mind, as I took a long, deep drag from my cigarette. It didn't matter now.

It was over and I was no longer a virgin. I still didn't know if I was going to tell anyone. I only spoke to Sherri and Colby now, and I wasn't really in the mood to share this particular piece of information.

Sherri would expect me to be happy, and Colby would probably just get upset, because I had told him that I wasn't going to do it. I was sure that he would find a way to blame Will for it, but it had been my choice, in the end. I didn't have to say yes, no matter how many times he asked me, or how upset he got.

So, this was, good or bad, on my shoulders, and I didn't feel like arguing with Colby about it. I also didn't feel like pretending to be happy about it either. So, I would keep it to myself, for now.

Will finally texted me, right when I had given up on hearing from him. I suppose that I could've reached out to him, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

"Hey beautiful." The text read.

"Hey." I replied.

"I just wanted to tell you goodnight. Sorry that I didn't call you. Things have been crazy over here. Dana and her parents have been arguing nonstop, so I didn't realize how late it had gotten." He texted.

"It's fine." I texted back. "I'm probably about to go to bed, anyway."

"This early, on a Saturday?" He asked.

I sighed and closed my eyes.

What else would I be doing on a Saturday? I never hung out with anyone else and he wasn't here.

"Yeah, I'm tired." I replied. "Plus, aren't you texting to say goodnight anyway?"

"Oh yeah lol, my bad. We're probably going to play video games for a while, but I didn't want to forget to tell you."