The Choice (a Painful Past)

100

I never posted anything anymore, because Will always had to comment on it, so what was the point in having it?

I sat up in bed and opened Instagram. I still hadn't accepted his follow request on that one and I wasn't going to. The first thing I noticed was that I had a message.

It was weird, because I hadn't received a notification for it. I wasn't really spending much time on social media anymore, so I probably hadn't even checked Insta in almost a week.

I pressed my finger to the little icon, then forgot how to breathe. I stared, wide eyed, at the name and picture of the person who had sent me the message. Colby Brock.

My chest started to ache, and my head got swimmy, so I sucked in a huge breath. When the sweet oxygen flooded my lungs, I let the breath out slowly.

Why was I freaking out? I had messaged him first. It was just Colby.

I opened the message and started to read.

"Hey Callie! You have no idea how good it is to hear from you! I've missed you. I thought that I would never see or talk to you again, but you're always on my mind. How are you? I'm sorry about you and Will. Okay, I'm lying. I'm not sorry about that, because I never liked him. I am sorry because I know it probably hurt you. Can you tell me what happened? How are you handling it though? Are you okay? I know how much you loved him. You have a kid?! Wow, that's crazy! I don't even think I can imagine you as a mom. You hated kids lol. You've for real been watching the vids? What do you think about them? I don't know if I would say that Sam and I have 'made it,' but we are definitely closer to that goal. It's weird having fans sometimes though. I find myself wondering why these people like us. We're just a couple of small-town kids, ya know? Anyway, it was so good to hear from you. I'd like to keep in touch now, if you want to. I wanna know everything you've been up to. How has life treated you? I've missed my best friend. Always love you, Cal."

I didn't realize that I was crying, until a stray teardrop landed on my phone. I wiped my face and smiled down at my phone. He didn't hate me for not keeping in touch with him or pushing him away.

He wanted to keep in touch with me. My heart felt happy and light for the first time in a long time. The message from him, reminded me of just how strong our friendship had been.

I wondered if we would be able to get back there, or if we would just sometimes send messages to each other, until we once again lost touch. I didn't want that to happen. I wouldn't let it happen this time.

I messaged him back, just touching on some of the things that had led up to me finally leaving Will, how I got Ben in my life, and how the kid was a big fan. I didn't want it to be overly long, because that would be weird, since we hadn't talked in forever. Only, it was really hard not to do that.

I had to keep editing the stupid message, to make it shorter, because I was feeling really insecure about it. When I thought that I finally had it short enough, but not too short, I started to think that maybe I shouldn't send it at all. He probably didn't really want to know what was going on in my life.

People just asked those things, to be polite.

It was like when someone on the street passed you and threw out the random, "how are you?"

They didn't really want to know. You were supposed to just say fine and keep moving. Maybe that's what I was supposed to do here.

Yeah, that's probably what I should do.

I double-clicked the message and started to delete what I had written, but my phone slipped out of my hand. My reflexes kicked in and I caught it, but my finger hit the send button...and there would be no more changing the damn message. Shit.

I really just sent someone that I hadn't talked to in years, a thorough rundown of my shitty life. He was never going to talk to me again. Shit.

I went in to rectify the situation.

"Sorry about the typing regurgitation haha I didn't mean to bore you with all of that. My life is boring. I'd rather hear about yours! What does Colby Brock do on a regular day or weekend? The masses want to know." I hit send and stared at my phone for another minute, regretting that I had sent that first part.

It was too much. I was going to overwhelm him, and the reconnection would burn before it even started.

"I'm so fucking stupid." I muttered, as I tossed my phone onto my bed.

He probably wouldn't even text back at all this time. I wouldn't if I were him. I remembered the way he used to get bad anxiety in school.

So bad, that it would make him sick. Yeah, I had done too much.

I sighed and slid down into my bed, pulling the comforter up to my face. I needed to sleep. I wanted to sleep.

I didn't really see it happening though. I hadn't slept peacefully in a long time and this stuff with Will, and now Colby, was just going to keep my head spinning even more. I envied people that could just let things go.

Like, oops, I made a mistake. Live and learn, it's fine. I couldn't do that.

I obsessed over every little thing, like it was the end of the world. I didn't want to be that way. I didn't used to be that way.

I wasn't sure what had happened to me.

When I was able to sleep a little, it was like my dreams were flashbacks.

Take last night, for example. One of my cousins, Marie, had died when I was 18. My dream was a replay of this memory. Will, Sherri, and I went to her funeral.

Marie and I hadn't always been close, because she was a good bit older than me, but I loved her. The funeral was sad and heartfelt, fully bringing on a blubbering me. I hated crying in front of people, so I tried really hard not to, but it didn't work.