The Choice (a Painful Past)

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Back when we were friends, I would've texted him and teased him about this post, while secretly loving it, but I couldn't do that now. I hadn't been a part of his life in a very long time. Thinking about that, coupled with the breakup, the Facebook posts, and just the stress from having so much to do by myself, had tears stinging my eyes again.

I had really fucked up my life and it was totally on me. The choices that I had made had me where I was. This wasn't Will's fault. It was mine.

I shouldn't have been so stupid and stayed so long. I finally let the tears take me.

I cried. I cried over every lost year of my life, every stupid fight, every heartache that Will had given me, every time that I took him back, and over the loss of the good times. I cried over Colby leaving and over me not staying in touch with him. I cried over losing one of the best friends that I had ever had. I cried over Ben not having a normal family, and for me subjecting him to all this bullshit after what had happened before he came to me. I cried over my mom's  health and worried over how long I might have left with her. Finally, I cried over the childhood that I had lost, and the time that I had wasted.

It was a while before I was all cried out. I fell asleep with a stuffy nose, and a wet face, but my heart was a little lighter than before. I guess it was true. Everyone needs to just let it out sometimes.

The next couple of weeks rushed by, and it was Halloween before I knew it. I was going to meet up with Denise and Xander, so that all of the kids could Trick or Treat together. I had been nominated to take all of the other kids, since I was taking Ben anyway.

That meant that Denise and I would be watching 5 kids in all tonight. Great. I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed already.

I knew that Denise's ex, Mikie, was going to walk with us, just to be there for Xan, and Will had asked if he could come. I really didn't want him to, but he had asked me in front of Ben. He had been so excited about Will coming with us, that I couldn't say no.

The thing was, Will had only went Trick or Treating with us a few times. Usually, it was just me and the kids. I knew that the only reason he wanted to come this time, was so that he could mope around and try to make me feel bad enough to take him back.

It wasn't going to work this time. I still had feelings for him, because real love didn't die that quickly, but the love wasn't all consuming. It was kind of like I was mourning the death of a friend.

There had been some really good times in our relationship, and he had been a great guy at times. I had given him my entire heart, and he had shown me in multiple ways that he loved me just as much. Those times just seemed to get crushed under all the bad times that built up.

I checked out all of the kids early from school and headed to the house to help with costumes and finish my own look. I loved Halloween the most, out of all the other holidays. There was just something about getting a little scared, feeling your heart race from the sudden fright, seeing all of the costumes and the joy in the kids' eyes.

Seeing the kids get scared and run back to me, while screaming was the best part though. Because, when they reached me, they were safe, so they could laugh about it and enjoy the adrenaline. We all loved the spooky stuff though.

Most parents would take their kids to the park, the movies, or to the Go-Kart place across town. Not me though. No, our favorite thing to do was to drive down supposedly haunted backroads, or try to talk to spirits in a graveyard, at night, on our little app that we downloaded.

I had even made a haunted house at my house one year. Just for them. There were games and prizes, and the house was decorated inside and out.

I got the adults to dress up and hide in the different rooms of the house, then had the kids go through it, just like a real haunted house. We even had spooky themed food, like eyeballs (peeled grapes), bloody worms (spaghetti), and Witch's Brew (Sprite and Hawaiin Punch over dry ice) and invited their friends over.

Everyone had a blast...except Will. He had taken a few pills earlier that day and stayed in the bedroom, claiming to not feel well. I wasn't going to let him ruin tonight though.

I helped all of the kids with their makeup and outfits, then hurried to finish mine. Destiny was going to be a Princess, who was murdered by her evil stepmother. Skyler was a zombie, and his little brother Mason wanted to be a MineCraft character. That one was easy because we had actually bought his costume.

Ben's was my favorite though, because it genuinely scared the shit out of me. He was going as a killer zombie clown. We had bought the scary clown costume and mask, but we were adding to it, to make it a zombie.

So, besides the freaky orange pom poms that adorned his chest, the terrifying grinning mask, with bright orange hair, we also added rips to his outfit, coated with green and red zombie blood, bloody latex gouges on his mask, and I made him practice his high-pitched clown laugh.

"Okay, one more time." I said, with him standing in front of me, while we both looked in the mirror.

"Okay." He said, laughing. "Don't scream."

I rolled my eyes. He knew that I hated clowns and he thought it was hilarious.

"Just do it." I replied, with a smile.

He took a deep breath and let it rip.

"EEH HEHEHEHEHEHE!" He screeched, while raising his hands towards me in the mirror.

It was actually fucking terrifying, and I couldn't suppress the shiver that went through my body.

"Okay, that's enough practice." I replied, when he laughed at me.

I added a few more oozing wounds to my zombie nurse look and took a final look in the mirror. I had to make my own costume because I had spent so much on the kids, but I thought I looked pretty scary.

Instead of your normal "sexy nurse's outfit," that the stores usually sold, I opted for a set of scrubs that I had found at the GoodWill.