The Choice (a Painful Past)

33

He never mentioned anything, besides asking me if I had changed my mind about having sex. My answer was always no, and he would always get annoyed and try to change my mind.

We were hanging outside with his brother, Jason, and my nephew, Randy, smoking a blunt, when Randy brought it up.

"So, have y'all closed the deal yet? Did she let you hit it, or are you still a wittle vurwgin?" Jason laughed and Will glanced at me with angry eyes.

I stayed quiet, hoping that someone would change the subject.

"No, she doesn't want to. Guess I'm not good enough. I'll probably be a virgin forever." Will exclaimed.

Randy and Jason burst out laughing, then started to tease him.

"Awww, poor Will can't get the kitty. Fucking loser." Randy said.

Jason followed his lead and teased his little brother some more. I walked away, and rested my back against the tailgate of my truck, but I could still hear them teasing him.

"Shut the fuck up." He yelled at them.

I closed my eyes against the anger that I could hear. This was just making Randy and Jason laugh even harder. My entire body was buzzing, and not in a good way.

Anxiety was crawling up my spine, and curling in my stomach.

"I'm going to go in." I announced, then started towards the house.

I heard footsteps behind me, when I reached the back door.

"So, you're just gonna leave me out there, getting hated on? That's real fucking nice, Callie." Will said.

I turned back and looked at him, with remorse.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, then looked down.

It seemed like I was always doing something to fuck things up.

I always made things worse, somehow.

"Yeah, I bet, but not sorry enough to make love to me, huh?"

We were on the back porch by then, so I stopped and turned to face him. I was so tired of talking about this.

Was it really as big of a deal as I was making it out to be? It was just sex. I probably wouldn't wait until marriage anyway.

All of my friends had lost their V cards a while back, except for Sherri. I was so so tired of arguing with Will. I just wanted us to be okay again, like we used to be before this.

"Fine." I heard myself saying. "I'll do it."

A giant smile burst out on his face, when he heard my words. "Really?" He asked, pulling me into his arms.

I loved to see him happy, so if this was what it took, then I would do it.

It wasn't really that big of a deal...right? I smiled at him, while fear and nerves danced in my belly. They swirled together, until they were just a giant knot.

"Thank you, Babe. You won't regret it, I promise. As soon as the house is empty, we can do it. I love you so much." He replied.

He hugged me tightly, so I wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder. I felt like crying, but I wasn't sure why. I had to stop acting like such a baby.

Being a virgin was so outdated, anyway. He said that I wouldn't regret it, and I believed him. He loved me and I loved him.

We were supposed to join together, as one. That was how love worked.

As the days went on, he never mentioned it again.

Until the day my mom had to go grocery shopping. I was hoping that he had forgotten about it, but no such luck. I was in my room, changing, when he walked in, without knocking.

He bit his lip, looking me up and down, as I stood there, holding a shirt over my chest.

"What are you doing?" I asked. "I'm changing."

He smiled and shook his head. "Nah, there's no need to put clothes on. It's just you and me for a while."

"I still need clothes on." I responded, acting dumb.

He rolled his eyes and stepped closer to me.

"Not for what we're about to do, you don't."

I knew that Will and I had done so many sexual things, but he hadn't ever really seen me naked. I was way too insecure for that. I felt like a cow, standing in front of him in just my underwear, with a shirt hanging in front of my chest.

The ball of nerves and fear, which had finally quieted, started rolling in my stomach again. My chest felt tight, making it hard to breathe.

"I-I don't know if I want to. Would you be mad if I changed my mind?" I asked, hesitantly.

Anger and annoyance flashed in his eyes.

"Are you serious, Callie? I've been looking forward to this all week, just waiting for the right time! If you were going to back out, you should've done it before now! Did you know that I could get blue balls and go into the hospital? That's what you're making me feel right now!" He exclaimed.

"That's not how blue balls work, Will. You can easily relieve yourself, which I know you have been, or I could help you out in a different way." I said, quietly.

"Whatever." He replied, angrily. "This is fucked up! We finally get the house to ourselves, and you back out on me, after you promised. You just like fucking with my head, don't you?! You don't actually love me, or you wouldn't do this to me!" He replied, with his voice getting louder and louder.

"I do love you!" I exclaimed, raising my own voice, as tears sprung to my eyes. "I just- I don't know! I'm scared!"

His expression softened, and he pulled me back into his arms. "There's no reason to be scared." He whispered quietly. "If it hurts, it will only be for a minute, then it will feel good. I promise. I'll be right here with you. I'll be gentle, I swear."

I tried to slow down my breathing, as I clung to him. He was right. He would be here with me.

Everyone was probably scared their first time, or at least, most girls were. I had heard people talking about how bad it had hurt, their first time, and how there was blood on their sheets. That was scary.

It had to hurt, if it was going to make me bleed!

"Okay." I sighed, trying to calm myself.

I pulled back and looked into his sweet, hazel eyes.

"I'm sorry. I'm ready."

"You're sure?" He asked, looking concerned.

I nodded and pasted a smile on my face.

"I'm sure."

While we had been talking, I had dropped the shirt that I had been covering my bra clad chest with, and hadn't even realized it.