The Choice (a Painful Past)

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I was guessing that was so he could catch me or something, if I collapsed again. I wasn't going to though. The attack was over.

I could breathe and I could think clearly.

I kept my gaze averted from everyone that was still in the club and tried to walk as fast as I could to the car. Relief flooded my body, when I was finally able to climb into the back seat. I leaned back in my seat and stayed silent on the drive back to my house.

Denise and Bryon spoke in low tones to one another, but I looked out the window and zoned out. I was exhausted. My body felt like I had just run a marathon, weak and sore.

When we pulled up into my yard, I opened my door and slid out.

"Hey, wait." I heard Denise say before I closed the door.

She got out of the car and shut the door behind her, giving us privacy.

"You want me to help you to the door?" She asked.

I shook my head.

"No, I'm okay now. I'm sorry that I messed up our night." I replied, hearing how shaky my voice was sounding again.

I was such a mess that I couldn't even go out with the one friend I still had. I couldn't let another man touch me or kiss me. Will had ruined me entirely, but I still couldn't be mean to him.

I didn't want to be. I was such a fuck up.

"You didn't mess it up!" She exclaimed. "It was close to time to leave anyway. Never apologize for something like this, Callie. You couldn't help this. It wasn't your fault."

I nodded and sighed. "I'm still sorry." I replied.

"Stop apologizing!" She exclaimed. "I would kick your ass right now, if you hadn't already been put through the wringer. Stop it. Go get some rest. You can text or call me later or tomorrow. I'll be up for a while." She put her arms around my neck and pulled me to her, in a tight hug. "I love you, okay? You're gonna be okay. I'm always here for you." She whispered.

I felt tears sting my eyes again, so I bit my lip and didn't say anything. I just hugged her back, tightly. When she let me go, I sniffed back the tears and let out a slow breath.

"Okay, I think that I'm gonna go get some sleep, if I can. Thanks for tonight, even if it didn't go exactly as planned." I said, faking a small smile for her benefit.

Smiling was the last thing that I felt like doing.

"Yeah, of course. I did have fun tonight, Cal. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed you to be with someone. I'm sorry about that. I won't do it again, okay? You heal in your own time." She replied. "Now, go get some rest and kiss that little shit of a man child for me and give Mom my love."

I laughed at the way she referred to Ben. "Will do. Love you." I said, before I turned and walked back up to the house.

They stayed in the driveway, until I went inside and closed the door behind me. The house was dark and quiet, indicating that everyone was in bed. I didn't even know what time it was.

I leaned my forehead against the cool wood of the front door and closed my eyes.

Why the fuck couldn't I just be normal?

Why couldn't I just go out and have fun with my friends?

Maybe hook up with a guy just because I can? Instead, I had to go be this weak piece of shit, that couldn't handle any of it. God, I hated myself for that.

I used to be able to deal with so much and no one would ever know about it. It may have affected me, but I kept it buried and quiet, until I forgot that it existed. Now, everything seemed to bubble to the surface and literally made me an invalid.

"Fucking Will fucked up my entire fucking life." I muttered, as I made my way down the hall and to my bedroom.

I wasn't drunk any longer. The panic attack had effectively burned off every little bit of alcohol and weed that was in my system, leaving me wide awake and super aware. I hated it.

I sighed and stripped off my clothes, then pulled on a long t-shirt, before I slid into bed. Since I was wide awake, I pulled up a TV show, on my laptop, that I had recently been watching, and opened Instagram on my phone. I was all about multitasking.

After having Will shoved back into the forefront of my mind tonight, it was really hard for me to NOT check his Facebook page, but Insta was a great distraction. Especially since the first thing I saw was a post from Colby and a message in my inbox. I clicked on the message icon and hoped that it was from him.

It was! I smiled hugely and opened it.

"What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?" I read aloud.

"What?"

Colby had a habit of sending me stupid memes or dumb jokes that I could never figure out, until he told me the answer.

"I'm going to feel stupid when you tell me, aren't I?" I sent back.

I was surprised when I saw the little typing bubble pop up. I didn't expect him to respond so fast.

"A milk DUD HA! Get it?" He replied.

I blinked at my phone a couple of times, then started giggling.

"Fucking dumbass." I murmured, with a big smile on my face.

"You are still a total dork lol." I responded.

"Yeah, but you vibe with me, cuz you're a dork toooo. You know you laughed." He replied.

I giggled again and rolled my eyes.

He wasn't wrong though.

It took everything in me not to point out that something looked like a dick, and to stop saying "That's what she said," just so I could pretend like I knew how this parenting thing worked.

With Ben being almost 15 now, his teenage mind was closer to mine than he knew.

I literally had to turn away from him, when he had said "That's what she said," to something that his uncle said.

I didn't want him to see me laughing at it, because then he would never stop and that was the last thing I needed, especially in front of my mom.

I was about to message him back, when my phone started vibrating in my hand. I dropped it out of surprise, flat on my face.

"Owww." I groaned, as I rubbed my bruised nose.

I picked my phone up and almost dropped it again, out of shock. Colby was video calling me through Insta. Oh. My. God.

What was I supposed to do?

Do I answer it? But I looked like total shit!

"Fuck me." I muttered, still undecided.