The Choice (a Painful Past)

98

Jealousy came into play with them a lot, though I wasn't sure why. Their papa did everything for them. He took them skating, to the lake, camping, anything they wanted.

Ben never got to do anything, because I couldn't afford it. My mom was taking care of us financially, while I took care of her physically. I did my part, with putting food in the house, cleaning, and helping her, but I still felt like a freeloader.

I didn't like not being able to help out with the bills and things. I felt like me and Ben just added to her already tight fund. She always told me that she would rather I take care of her than to have someone come to the house, but it was so frustrating not being able to pay my way.

So, I had tried various things to do at home, to earn money. I tried social media marketing in health and beauty products. That's just a sophisticated way to say pyramid scheme.

I hadn't realized that at the time, but I was lucky enough to make some money. It wasn't enough to keep putting my money into the products though, and that was apparently a must. I tried to do customer service for a local business, but my internet connection wasn't strong enough.

Hell, I even went back to school online, but Will stressed me out so much that I ended up quitting. There was just a long line of me attempting to do things, without leaving the house, and they didn't work. So, I was stuck with living off of my mom.

Back to my point about the other kids being jealous. Whenever I was able to do something special for Ben, I went big because I knew that he didn't get that very often.

Every year for his birthday, I planned and threw him whatever theme he wanted for a party. His 13th birthday had been the best, by far. He wanted a blacklight/glow in the dark party.

Luckily, I had gotten a check from the school that year and I went all out. Large blacklights, fluorescent shirts and markers, small speakers with lights that changed colors to the beat of the music, tons of light up bracelets and necklaces, and then completed it with a taco salad bar. There were light up and glow in the dark games, as well as a dance off.

The kids and adults alike loved every minute of that party. The one thing that a lot of them weren't crazy about, was the kitty litter cake that Ben wanted.

He was a boy. What did they expect? I had to buy an actual brand-new litter box, clean it incredibly well, make the cake all mushed up, then topped it with half melted tootsie rolls that were shaped to look like poop. Disgusting, right?

Ben loved it. He thought it was the funniest thing in the world. The boys that were at his party thought the same thing.

The girls weren't as happy about it. To be honest, it was actually a really good cake. My mom didn't touch it though.

She couldn't get over how much it actually looked like a dirty litter box. Anyway, my other niece and nephews had a great time, but afterwards, they wouldn't stop talking about how they had never had a party like Ben's. They always just went to a swimming pool somewhere and had a cake with ice cream, along with a few friends.

I could tell that they wanted me to throw them a party too, but how was I supposed to do that? Charles, my brother, wasn't able to spend money like that on a party, especially when their birthdays were back to back. I told them that I would try to help, but then when it came time to do so, they would just say forget it and have a regular party.

So, when Ben started telling them about his talk with Sam, they would just stare out the window with a stony expression, or roll their eyes.

"So?" Destiny said. "I don't like them anymore. They're not all that great."

"Yeah, me either." Skyler agreed.

"I do!" Mason chimed in.

He was the youngest and he adored Ben, so he was always into whatever Ben was into.

"They're awesome!" He added.

"No, they're not." Destiny said. "They're stupid."

"That's enough." I spoke up, louder than they were being. "When you guys get to do something special that Ben doesn't get to do, he never tries to make you feel bad about it. He never talks trash about it. He accepts and listens to your stories that you wanna tell. Y'all need to think about that. Stop being hateful, just because you didn't get to do something, or even if you don't like them. Let him enjoy his moment."

They fell silent and didn't say anything. I could tell that I pissed Destiny off, but I didn't really care. She was such a little shit sometimes.

"Selfish little brats." I muttered under my breath. "You know, I think it's awesome that you got to talk to him, baby. He said he would keep in touch too, so that's pretty freaking amazing. You can tell your friends at school, because I know they'd love to hear all about it." I said, smiling at him.

He smiled back, but it didn't completely reach his eyes. That pissed me off and hurt me so much.

"Don't worry about what they say." I told him, quietly. "They're just jealous. You enjoy this, baby."

He smiled again, this time a little happier and nodded. "Yes ma'am. Thank you Mama."

I reached over and patted his leg. "Of course, baby. I love you."

"Love you too." He replied.

I hadn't been sure that Sam would actually keep in touch with Ben, but he surprised me. He called him about once a week, and even shot him little texts during the weeks. Just stupid, funny jokes or memes, maybe a quote.

It was enough to make Ben smile and that made me happy.

Occasionally, I found myself wondering why Colby hadn't tried to reach out to me, if Sam had told him about this.

I was sure that he had, so what gives? I checked my Instagram religiously now. I was even active on there, posting pictures and talking to a few old friends.

Will had made a new account and sent me a follow request, but I hadn't accepted it yet. He kept texting me, wanting me to bring Ben over, so that we could talk, but it was never about Ben, so I would end up leaving.

I did still check my Facebook, though, not as often.